When God implemented CRM System.

I was dressed nicely in the whitest(nirma ki safedi) dress I could find to enter the gate to heaven. Well, the purpose was very appealing, God had invited me to install a CRM system in his 'workplace' and wanted to consult on how to do it.
Praying to God that he won't scold me for all the bad things I did, I entered the holy hall where he sat next to his desktop machine with a multi-functional device buzzing with fax sheets.
"Welcome, welcome..." he gave a wonderful smile and catching my gaze at the fax machine explained, "Too many people praying," he said and gestured me to follow him in another room.
"So, you are the guy right?" he smiled.
"Yes I am... errr....you wanted a CRM system??"

“Oh yes,” he smiled again, “you see temple attendance is all time low, all my loyal followers are mislead, no new people are becoming my followers and you saw the mess of all the prayers outside. I just need a system to clear out this mess, so can you do this?”

"Sure...."

And so that started the CRM System for God. The following are the modules as required by God for CRM.

1) "A simple atheist is my Lead to generate a Account. I should be able to track down a simple beam of faith in a person to create an opportunity for him to become my follower (account) after I convert that lead into account, I should also be able to upsell the account with souvenirs, donations for my temple etc. I should also maintain he list of all my accounts which are losing their faith for re-installing the faith.

The lead status values are :

* Open: A atheist with a little ray of faith. 10%
* Working – Deduped and attempted contact: Has visited temple atlest once/ has some problems in his life. 20%
* Archived – No Interest: Lost faith completely. 1%
* Archived – Developing / Nurturing: Still not ready for preaching.40%
* Bad Data: Opps, this happens time to time.. 0%
* Contact – No Opportunity : Ok, just a one time visitor. 60%
* Contact - Current Opportunity (e.g. his family member already is an opportunity, usually wife) 95%
* Contacted – Recent Activity (e.g. his prayer has been answered in the last 30 days, so no upsell contact) 95%
* Qualified – Turned into Opportunity (Now donations, prasadam etc.) 100%

So this is how my lead process should be"

2) Answering prayers is a tiresome task and I have some very specific and urgent requirement in this regard.
I need a system in place that will catch and categorize the incoming prayers and route them to different prayer centers I have set up in distant land. Some lesser Gods will be handling them. Now I want each prayer to be automatically registered into system and should be also give a solution to the user. E.g., we have some common prayers like winning a lottery or marrying a girl child, in such cases a standard procedure or solution must be ready to handle such prayers. In case of some very rare prayer, its answering should be approved by me, so the approval process should also work here.
The prayers should be escalated if they come from a very valuable and credible account and also if the prayer is coming from a losing account.

3) The system should also flag me any prospective athest in the human race who are capable of having faith.

4) It should also maintain the list of festivals to market for other leads in the same area. It should forecast the total followers I might generate if I organize a certain festival. Also it should generate me the list of age group for which I should generate festival (Like Kids, Ladies, Relatives etc.)

The whole system was a piece of cake and we went on AIR within months...or wait was it seconds...you can never tell in heaven.

I came back peacefully on earth proud of what I have accomplised.
The next day, I sat in the kitchen praying that recession won't hit me or my job, now that project is over...I heard a voice in my head...

"Welcome to seventh heaven prayer managment system, your prayer is important to us, please stay online..."


And I woke from my dream with a start!!!!

Oh my, if only God implemented a CRM system.....with that happy thought I began my day.

7 comments

  1. In recession God do not need any CRM as He must be overflowing with followers and believers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha... CRM for God... he might be already using it though... What does God do if he wants to punish someone??
    Well I am trying to learn CRM now days and thus was able to understand... Very well thought and implemented :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Right, the punishment part...I don't believe someone will try to punish his own creation..but yes as I have to as per the dogma, so here it is.

    3) The system should also flag me any prospective athest in the human race who are capable of having faith.
    It should also flag me the wrong doers so that I can upsell them punishment and have judgement implemented. Again I need a approval process before giving any judgement on anyone and a workflow rule if any such potential wrong doer prays for something. If the wrongdoer does something right for once in his life I need a workflow to set a task to the God of Judgement to rejudge the person.

    ReplyDelete
  4. if only God implemented a CRM system.

    The idea itself is wacky i must say...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lol! Awesome post! Very funny and interesting! :)

    Though I was wondering what would happen if the network was congested or worse.. a virus attack! :D

    ReplyDelete
  6. I guess that would be Hell outrage on the system...;)

    lets pray God has a holy AV on his network...:P

    ReplyDelete
  7. IT guy...Hmm. Happens dude...


    Good blog. Nice work...Just stumbled in here. Worth it.


    Why don't you try mine..

    =Anand=
    http://anandsathya.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

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