10 ways how aliens can conquer and destroy our planet


For last few days I was quietly sitting alone pondering over how we can conquer planet earth (yeah I do that most of the times, specially during the private space of bathroom) and it surprised me, while half the planet is busy harvesting crops in Farmville, aliens can conquer and destroy the whole planet. As surprised as I was with the profound knowledge that I quickly decided to alert the world, I wanted to travel to meet the president of United States to meet him, but after many attempts I could not even meet the duplicate president shown in Hindi Film, but my name is Kabe and I did not give up, I went ahead to meet the President of Ulhasnagar Sindi Association (USA) but they laughed at me and also tried to sell their ‘made in USA’ product because of which I had to run away.

I then went to my good old friend, a big shot rocket scientist, but he saw me from his peephole pressed some buttons and his house flew high up on planet mars, wonder why? Last time he has listened to me for four hours when I showed him how we should invent a Terminator style complex high-funda gun for opening tin cans, wrappers and cut nails.

So I was left with no option but to do this social reform on internet now there is a risk of reading this article and be alarmed, but this risk has to be taken. I am sure aliens surf internet, they visit by blog too often, my reader says I get more than hundred visits per day but no comments, so I conclude they don’t understand English yet and are learning it faster than China, we must be careful, lest projects are outsourced there.
Anyways, so where was I? Oh yes, possibilities of how the aliens can capture and destroy the planet earth, if you are an alien who has mastered English language reading this please don't mind I have no brain for you to capture and study!!!


1. Drain from the world the black liquid fuel.
A_small_cup_of_coffeeThey can build a large, big, big suction chamber that will suck all the COFFEE from the world. Yes, COFFEE, we should immediately put all coffee wells under extreme military protection. I myself am protecting my coffee cup, I also have a suggestion of keeping coffee using modern preservation techniques in powered form behind reinforced steel doors of banks. I do not know, why the banks threw me out of the premises. Damm, capitalist.

2. Build a mind reading machine and sell it over for 70% discount at Big Bazaar
15348-Green-Alien-Preparing-To-Kill-With-A-Powerful-Lasergun-During-An-Alien-Invasion-Clipart-Illustration-Image Imagine 70% discount, all the female population will leave Mihir Virani behind him as well as their husband and run to utilize the discount, not knowing exactly what they are buying, but hey, its on sale, lets buy it. They use the machine and hear the men's personal thoughts about them and immediately there is a big murdering wave across the globe, all men are killed immediately.
Then they hear each-others thought and again the killing wave repeats. Until a handful woman are left, which the aliens kill and capture.


3. Show re-runs Deshdrohi and Deshdrohi part 2 with English subtitles on Sky
deshdrohi They build a larger than the largest movie projector, yes even larger than the Large Hadron Collider, the largest machine humans could ever build which did not start on its first day (progress of mankind :P), so anyways the aliens build larger projector than LHC and then project Deshdrohi film on it, immediately brain kill of half of the planet, it even has English subtitles!!!!
Impressed with the work, they go in disguise as fans (??) of Kamal Khan and obtain the exclusive rights for distribution of Deshdrohi 2, signing him for another 5 movies, just in case.


4. Program Skynet and build Terminator.Terminator Salvation metal skeletons
I always somehow suspected that alien had to do something with the terminator, but then I feared from alien power human killing robots so did not tell this to anyone before. What will we do if Terminator army attacks us? Interesting... I should start working on a plan, wondering if Terminator are made dog-poop proof?


5. Installing Hypnos-rays in Farmville by drawing crop circles.
alien1 As more and more people are getting addicted to farms in Farmville, the aliens draw crop circles on their farm installing a Hypnos-ray there, then they delve deep into our minds and transport them into a realm of dreams rendering you totally hopeless finally eliminating our existence into hypnoparticles which they use as source of their energy. Aah creepy.


6. Create Himesh Reshmiya clones and send each one with a free cap and a mike across the globe.
A wave of hard hitting songs hit the globe. Songs with crappy lyrics and catchy music are spread across the globe. The president of united states sings, 'Mann ka radio, sunne de jara...' The world is busy saving their minds from the trouble when they organize a jazz show across the globe….total annihilation!!!


7. Kidnap 'Ba' and hold the world ransom.
0 They kidnap 'Ba' and then hold the condition that if the demands are not met, they will release her on the planet again. All men who finally got food on time, no more crying over Mihir leaving house and no more changing curtains whenever they change on TV, readily agree to become the slave to aliens rather than 'Ba'

There is a future version of this story as told by Anuradha.,  "I think aliens capturing Ba and Mihir won't be a threat at all coz before you know alien-wives will be addicted to the duo and male aliens will finally send them back to earth. On second thoughts, they might get so furious, they'd create multiple clones of mihir and ba to avenge what they had to go through."
Oh my!!


8. Manufacture low-quality-cheap item cheaper than China and sell all over the globe with 'Made in China' tag.
Ooh they try to take down our markets with cheap mobile phones, computers and then slowly make their way into our market. Then they take over the whole world, by selling everything for very very very very cheap. 

9. Make holes in all condoms across the globe quietly.
This suddenly produces humans faster than rabbits, this causes a phobia of sex across the globe for all men. Men get afraid of sex completely and humans get busy managing so many kids, that the world goes crazy and aliens walk the street.


10. They create a laughing gas using some stuff from Sidoscope and people keep on laughing till eternity.
Oh my Gosh, oh my Gosh. This is bad, this is total bad. But don’t worry folks, become immune to the laughing gas, keep following…:D (Okay that was shameless self-promotion)
So there it is, the 10 ways how they can take us down, so be prepared, they can come down from anywhere, I also have suggestion how we can use nail cutters to dismantle their complex alien ship, but no one listens to me…sheesh!!!


11 comments

  1. poor mihir and Ba... actually poor aliens! i think aliens capturing ba and mihir won't be a threat at all coz before you know alien-wives will be addicted to the duo and male aliens will finally send them back to earth. on second thoughts, they might get so furious, they'd create multiple clones of mihir and ba to avenge what they had to go through ;)

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  2. You crack me up like always!!! Damn hilarious!! Loved it!

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  3. @Chanz
    Oh yes...I know that... I am super crazy!!!

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  4. @Anu, now thats an interesting update, I am updating it in the post...:D

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  5. the word ALIEN scares the hell out of me! and here you give an entire episode of how they will conquer earth! :O

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  6. @Mani
    Oooh yes, Mani literally pushed me into writing the article when I was cribbing about writers block...thanks!!

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  7. You are really one crazy and utterly hilarious dude :) loved your ideas especially the coffee and farmville one.

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