The Sidoscope Unofficial guide to: Delhi

Are you thinking of settling down in Delhi? Stop thinking, as in Delhi people don't think much as everything chalta hai. Do you still want to live in delhi? Well, then you should be well prepped for it follow this guide and at the end it, you will be proud to call yourself a Delhiite.

The language:
Delhi uses Hindi as the base language with the horrible mixture of Punjabi, making it Pundi, no pun intended. Some common guidelines for using words:

i) Practice using words like 'setting' or 'jugaad' atleast once a day.
ii) You should refer to every other person on planet as 'vella', a stranger becomes ‘Bhaiyya’.
iii) The swear words can be used as verbs 'like teri maa di', 'teri bahen di…' 'oye madar @#$%' … 'oye bahen @#$$' (I can't translate, don't ask) and can be used for friends and foes with equal enthusiasm.
iv) Sharpen you negotiation skills. Assume every shop, every rickshaw is going to charge you more than the actual value, and start bargaining, even if you get a discount for one rupees, bargain.
v) Girls are to be refereed as Maal,Totte or Item, and people from anywhere down south are Madrasi and remember there is no other state down there except Madras, so don't mention it and create confusion.

The food:
Unless you have borrowed your stomach from some big giant living in the north, don't even go to Delhi, for the food is so heavy that Kareena Kapoor will faint on the border of Delhi. And don't forget, breakfast is equally heavy as lunch.

i) Practice drinking and eating non-veg on all days of the week, except Tuesday, no touching, seeing or smelling non-veg on Tuesday. During Navaratra, try avoiding every place that cooks non-veg and change the direction of walking if you see one.
ii) Heavily stuffed Parantas with ghee and curd on them for early morning breakfast is a light food. Be prepared to eat paneer, potato or mutter vegetable at 1 again.
iii) Don't be surprised if Pappu da Dhaba or Moolchand Paranthe Wala (Suggested by a Delhiite) has a BMW parked outside it for a Delhiite, taste matter more than quality. 
iv) Make habit of eating on roadside food more often than a restaurant. Aloo Chat, Bhel Puri, Kulche chole are sufficient for dinner. (Contributed by Vidhu)

The Public Transport:
Are you really insane, then you can travel by the public buses, for other sane people, now you have metro connectivity to nearly all parts of Delhi NCR. Just save your pockets in metro, they get lost in the crowd. Some points about public transport are:

i) Be prepared to get bullied by autowallahs who simply refuse to go by meter and they  will dare you to do anything about it.
ii) Preserve those student bus pass even after you have graduated from college 5 years ago. Also get it renewed every year after you pass out of college.
iii) To get a ticket in DTH bus, you have to go near the conductor, he will not budge at all from his seat. Blue line buses playing race-race on the road is perfectly ok.
iv) Get used to the people who carry phones in buses and their ringtone plays in a ear deafening loud song, 'Bheege hot tere' or second hot favorite is 'Hona hai tujhme faaanaa' in monotonic shrill voice. (Contributed by Vidhu)
v) Really Really big Brands like Badidas, Allen Cooper, Lee Solly and Naike are hot favorite in metro trains, names are not a typo, these brands exist.  (Contributed by Vidhu)

Coming soon...

The roads:
If travelling in public transport is horrible, try driving around the roads during peak hours. Ask the driver the importance of every inch between two vehicles, who was stuck on AIIMS flyover for over 5 hours. 
Some rules on the road are:

i) It is a shame to drive a two wheeler, you can either walk or drive a four wheeler.
ii) Assume that the road is your personal property and you can do anything you want to on those roads. And do it. So what your vehicle is dented, damaged or crashed, everyone's car has a dent.
iii) Informing which way you are turning is considered a serious offense in Delhi, practice not doing it. Keep those bunch of hundreds handy, you will need to bribe the traffic cop once a month.
iv) While overtaking a vehicle from wrong side, glare at the other cars driver.
v) Playing bangra songs in full volume with open widow is considered normal in Delhi, the tunes are also catchy.

Lifestyle:
Aaah the live life king-size lifestyle of Delhi is the sweet icing on top of cake baked in Delhi: 

i) Your house should have a AC, even if there are power cuts for 10 hours a day.
ii) Power cuts, 10 hours a day. Chalta hai. Mobile phone stolen in metro. Chalta hai. In-fact anything that doesn't concern you is chalta hai and anything that concerns you is also chalta hai.
iii) Middle-age aunties carrying Gucci bags (called Gucchi for some reason) eating gol gappas on the street is fine.
iv) It is Ok for you to wear skirts on the street and complain that everyone is staring at you. Also there is nothing wrong if you stare at your own reflection every-time you pass a mirror on street.
v) Make friends with someone really really big shot, if you do not throw attitude of knowing someone big, you will be one big laughing joke in Delhi.

So now that you have read the points above, do you still want to become a Delhiite? If you say no, you can never become one, because a true Delhiite loves Delhi unconditionally, he knows about this, he cribs about this but still loves the good Ol' Delhi.

Delhi is a state for people with big hearts which is their fault as is their strength.

Wait for it...

Want an unofficial guide to your city? Send in your City and your details to ossum@sidoscope.co.in and who knows our super ever watching eye might land up in your neighborhood. Psst. throw in your comments down, if you agree to disagree the points above.

29 comments

  1. omg.... this is so very funny :)

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  2. I m happy being a Hyderabadi but weirdly it seems like I could do very well in Delhi :P.

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  3. @Harini
    If u treat me hyderabadi biryani, i might land up in your city next...:D

    all the best living in delhi...:D

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  4. ha ha ya :S before my marriage when my wife told about me to her mom her first reaction was "madrasai? " :P

    and ya but Delhi is a foodies paradise! especially the road site eateries (forget the caloreis) are Yummmmmmmmmy! and ya you can find BMWs n Guccis stopping by the road side vendors and eating heart and stomachfully!!!

    I could relate every titbits here :D and go into a flashbacks!

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  5. Wow!! That's some fun guide!! :))
    Dress Culture... Especially in parties and weddings!!??!!

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  6. Dilli hai dil wallo ki....u dint mention that any where :(

    And I love Delhi :) no matter what the conditions are and what you call me...sane or insane :)

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  7. I have lived in Delhi for 7 years and I had a piece of advice daily from my grandma. Inspite of all the scary instances and weird experiences; "majaal hai kisi ki...Dilli ke baare mein kuch bole!!" afterall, Dilli is very much dil walon ki :P

    p.s. I absconded from the capital 4 years back and "majaal hai meri jo main wapas jaane ka bhi sochoon" :)
    A good guide to Delhi, btw I have read a similar guide from Rupa Publications for all the metros but your version is quite grounded.

    Cheers.

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  8. Hehehehe funny! :D

    i liked this post! :P

    Especially when you said the mix of hindi and punjabi becomes pundi :P Lol! =D

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  9. Hahahahahahahahaha! That was one very humourous post indeed...

    "people from anywhere down south are Madrasi and remember there is no other state down there except Madras, so don't mention it and create confusion."

    This applies to the whole of North India and may be the eastern and western part of India as well. West Bengal definitely. I know it and can vouch for it :)

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  10. Sounds like China, really.

    Your new blog layout confuses the hell out of me.

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  11. Fun Fun and fun all around your post..."Tussi te punjabi nu tod marod ditta" E kee keeta...

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  12. Awesome post.But Delhi kind of sounds like my city...aside from the Pundi language and some other stuff :P

    Don't be surprised if Pappu da Dhaba has a BMW parked outside

    LOLOL.

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  13. case of sour grapes Sid? :P

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  14. Pundi and Aunty with Gucci..good job!!!!

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  15. Hahahaha.. sid that was an awesome guide to Delhi. Paranthas in the morning is considered light food :-o Feels so nice reading your blog after a long time. How you been sid?

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  16. @Lakshmi
    Glad yo hear that you were labeled a madrasi...don't feel sad, you not the only one...:P

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  17. @Shilpa
    Party in delhi is on streets, like daily...they dress up for bringing groceries...:P

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  18. @Pankie
    Spoke like a true Delite...who loves delhi unconditionally...:D

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  19. @Garmia
    Hope your grandmom does not read this...i don't wanna get killed....:P

    I kept this guide as low as funny as possible.

    ReplyDelete
  20. @Ester
    Thank you thank you...
    welcome to Sidoscope...:D

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Roshmi
    Will contact you while writing a guide on west bengal...:D

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  22. @Cheryl
    Change the layout for you...see if this is confusing...:D

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  23. @Geeta
    No i did not tod marod anyone...o_O i hope thats what you meant...

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Sammy
    its true...pappu de dhaba has a BMW parked outside it...:D

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Adava
    Am doing great...how you be? back in india?

    ReplyDelete
  26. @Avada
    I am doing good, you back in India?

    ReplyDelete

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