Are you smarter than your smart phone?

Mobile companies are  currently in war with the universe, of producing phones smarter than the universe creates human.

"You are a phone nut," he pointed at me, coming at my desk.
"Huh," I replied, "Is that even a term or did you just make it up."
"No, I know you are..." he said, "Tell me what is Android?"

"Oh," I realized where this conversation was headed to, so I gave him a one-line description of Android, "Its a smart phone open source real time operating system build by Google, based on Linux."

"In English please," he replied.

"Well, it is a smart phone mobile operating system by Google," I replied again.
"If its Google, why do you have a Samsung phone?" he asked, "My sister has a corby and your phone looks same like that."

I turned by Phone around and showed him 'With Google' sign printed on the back cover, "Does your sisters corby has this?"
"You must have printed it"
"You mean, I buy a smart phone, and go to the screen printers to print Google on it, and the motive behind it?"
"Dunno," he shrugged, "You are crazy."


A few days later, I was walking towards the coffee machine when a familiar tone hit my ears, 'We are blackberry boys' song was playing on a phone. I turned around hoping to see a proud blackberry user, when I realized the source of the music was some sony ericsson phone. The same person who called me a phone nut was the proud owner of the confusing ringtone.

As I was destroying terrorist in Dust II, my friend came to me,
"Hey heard you got a android smart phone," he asked, "What does it do?"
"Well, everything... I even got Photoshop (official) inside it," I told him.
"Oh," he exclaimed, "That cost you a lot."
"Na, just half of my salary," I answered.
"Oh shit, noways, why the hell did I buy this Nokia E72 on my credit card!!!"
Beats me, bro. Maybe for Nokia pride.

"Urm," he came to me, "Hi, I heard you are a phone nut."
"Is that name catching on? I don't like it," I reply.
"No, I need a help," He asked nervously.
"What is it?"
"Actually, I am unable to figure out how to activate blue-tooth on my phone," he said handing over his blackberry.
Now, you are not that smart to use a smart phone is it. 




P.s. I don't have particular against Nokia, I just don't like Symbian OS which Nokia uses.

P.P.s. I don't like the word, Phone Nut

P.p.p.s. And yayiee I got an android phone.

Image Source: Texually.org and Google image search

Behind every successful man is a woman threatening him of dire consequences if she is not given credit

Or as @krish2468 says, woman are always after successful men.
 
'Its a man's world,' she announced to the room with the pride and confidence of the feminine world.

The 110 Volts eco-friendly, energy saving bulb in my head blinked to life, is what she saying true? Can we really say, its a mans world?

Armed with this information, I decided to do a research on this saying. Now, I know what you would probably say, why am I wasting time on this, well, I believe this is better usage of my time than research on top-ten-excuses-Rajnikant-would give if his film flopped, right?

So let me see this, my friend, who recently had a tragic accident in his life. He lost his life as well as his sense the day he married his girl-friend. He recently came with the sad news, that he was going to be a dad. So crazy and senseless he has become, that he distributed sweets with the news.

When he had come earlier with the marriage news, people in the bay asked him, 'How is the bride?' Everywhere he went, the same question, it was only me who asked him, 'How are you feeling?', wonder why he jeered on me?

When a girl came along distributing sweets of her marriage, the immediate question was asked, 'How are you feeling about this?' Oh my, no one asked how is the dude. Dang.

So he came with the news of being a dad, as he was distributing the news, people still asked, 'Is the mother alright?' Everywhere he went, the same question. Again I followed my duty and asked, 'Are you alright?' He still jeered on me, oh poor soul.

When the girl stepped into the office with huge belly, the first question asked was, 'Are you feeling alright?' as if there was no role of her husband in it, hello, he did have a big role in it.

In an adult male life, there are some instances when the man feels immensely proud, when he becomes a father, when he purchases his own dream car, when he urinates in the side of road and when he catches a moving bus by running behind it.


So when I caught the bus by running after it in scorching heat, my chest inflated with pride. Tired and exhausted I sat down on the available seat, a girl stepped in and asked me to get up as it was a ladies seat. They can ask us to empty the ladies only seat, they are legally empowered to do that, but are we legally empowered to ask them to empty a general seat?

Will it look good if I go and say to the girl, 'Hello, this is not a ladies seat, this is a general seat, go and sit on the ladies only seat.' I did try that and people looked at me as if I was a person who was completely drenched in potty.

When a boy shares his lifetime achievement on facebook, he gets max 1 or 2 likes, but if the girl even shares a cute puppy, she gets 143 likes, the puppy has no significance here. BTW.
Lets look at the statistics on the day, a girl gets a gift...

Valentines Day: |
Raksha Bandhan: ||
Bhau Bhij: |||
Mothers day: ||||
Diwali:||||
Birthday: |||| |
Anniversary: |||| ||
Weekend: |||| |||
No particular reason but you had a fight: |||| ||||=9 (And many girls will agree this is exceptionally low amount)

Sadly, I cannot keep counting,

Now lets look at boys days:

Fathers Day: |
Birthday: ||
We did not buy anything for you for a long time, so lets buy you a shirt day: ||| = 3!!!!

Anniversary gift? I cooked delicious dinner for us. O_O

So he said one day on the secret to happy marriage,
'You see dude,' he told me, 'We made a pact on our honey moon. The pact of secret marriage.'
'What? She won't kill you if you do not disturb her during her television shows?' I quipped.
'Very funny,' he replied, 'That was much later. On our honeymoon, we decided, she will take all the small decisions while me, I will take only big decisions.'
'And she agreed?' I inquired.
'Yes, ofcource, just yesterday, I gave her a big decision, Manmohan Singh should sack Kalmadi and hang him for spoiling countries name during CWG and she took relatively small decision of which cushion cover shall we chose for diwali, simple soul.'

So you see, statics speak for themselves, now what do you say, whose world is it anyway?



P.s. If you like this article, I have published a lot of white papers on man-woman relationships.

If you carry a phone smarter than you, maybe it will compensate for your loss.

Human mind is highly capable of processing large amount of crap, empty mind becomes a devils workshop and a complete mind becomes a devils playground. I am not sure if its because of Kalyug or simply because stupidity is increasing, Smart Phone users are increasing. People who wear suits, half pants, greesy oily hair carry blackberries phones and do chat, do mail on the move, I only do the dew.

If human beings are given a lot of time, they end up doing crazy things. The last time I heard, someone was sitting doing nothing and lo, he discovered fire. Newton was sitting idle under the tree and Lo, he wrote the laws of gravity and ruined the future generations of science students who hoped to aspire for engineering degree.

With so much machines around us, its high-time they build us another machine to keep a track of all the machines we have. There is a machine for everything, want a toast, hey try a toaster. Want to contact your friend sitting billions of miles away, try the feletone...sorry...telephone. Now party for all this wired mess in the world, we Engineers are responsible. And me being a part of the group am subjected to the torment of entire humanity.

When you have a B.E. degree, people tend to self-assume that you have a PHD in any type of machine build in the world.

'My vacuum cleaner is broken,' he announced to the room.
I believed that he was blabbering and continued to update my blog.
'Hello, are you listening,' he cribbed, this time directly referring to me.
'Oh, hello...' I assumed the basic form of greeting.
'My vacuum cleaner is broken,' he repeated.
'Did you use it for bad purposes?' What else can I respond?
'Idiot,' he replied angrily, confirming my doubts, 'You are a good for nothing, Engineer.'
Dang, where did that come from. I wanted to confirm to him that I am a software engineer, but I did not have the courage of argument. Sometimes I do get the courage and I do argue with some people.

'So you are like a computer engineer?'
'Yes,' I answered firmly, hoping this would be the end of it.
'So do you like assemble computers?' next question.
'Err... no,' I am unsure what to answer here, 'I write software for the computer.'
'But obviously, you don't make them, do you?' she asked, subjecting me another round of questioning. If only FBI had hired her to question Headley, Mumbai would be safe.
'Right, but I do build software for it...'
'You mean like CD?' she asks.
'Erm... not exactly, but ok.... like CD.'
'My 10 year old grandson also writes CD on his computer, what is that you get so much money for...' she asks.
Dang. I should get money for not killing you.

There are many machines who sit in your house and are really really unfriendly. After living 9 months in a single room with 1 plate, 1 katori, 1 spoon and 1 glass with no room for luxuries like toaster (its not about money, its about laziness of buying a bread to toast!!!) if you suddenly find yourself into a large kitchen loaded with machines, you actually start a world war against the appliances.

I entered the kitchen with a single mission in my mind, to silence the grumbling stomach of mine and grab a Cheese Toast. The toaster was standing peacefully and smiling at me thinking, 'Come on ordinary fragile silicon based compound, I am going to burn you!!!' Could I sense his evil smile, oh no I couldn't.

Unaware of its evil intensions I went towards the toaster and lo....its electrified me...kzzzz... and boom...the light in the house went out, resulting my mom to shout, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BROKEN TOASTER?' she was not angry with the broken toaster but because she missed one shot in her daily soap, the scolding did not stop, 'Just ten minutes ago you ate a complete packet of bourbon biscuits and now you want to eat this? Can't I watch one serial in peace? I told you I will serve you dinner in the next break...'

Dang. And there went my cheese toast down the drain.

Machines have invaded nearly every part of our society. Early morning, I enter my office and before doing anything, I head towards the coffee machine. So it happened, I was running late for the meeting and I decided to grab a cup of coffee and dash in the meeting room.
If only I has such smooth luck, of-course I didn't. The moment I entered the pantry on the floor. The machine gave a big sigh of relief and boom, no more coffee for next three hours until the engineer repairs the instrument.

We humans build machine to simply our life and slowly the machines started to build up what we called lifes. Sometimes its really hard to wonder, is it you who made the coffee machine or it is the coffee machine that makes you? Isn't it?

Dang.

The Donkey King

Once upon a time in land far far away (actually not really far away, but you know stories which are far far away are much better) lived a good Lion king in a happy and social kingdom. He was ruling the kingdom in just and democratic way. One fine day the king was approached by trader,

'Oh great King, hello,' they said, 'Here we have a brand new product from our end and we would like your social people to know about it, can we have it?'

The king called his royal advisors and they had different ideas,

'Say lets flash it in front of everyone and lets force them to buy it,' say one.

'No lets host a contest for it and let them vote the one they like,' say another and so it went on. Finally the group of royal advisors decided to have a game of Scissors, Paper and Stone decide. And they all set down in a formation and played the game, when finally the advisor won.

'And so...,' he announced proudly as Scissors cut paper, 'We host a contest in the jungle and we tell them to write about your product. They will tell something about their life and your product. Then they can call in their fellow animals and collect praises for their talent. We can show millions of animals your product.'

The pan was set and the event rolled out. The animals were happy to see the king giving them chance to become rich and so they all rushed in with their beautiful transcripts. All showed off their talents in front of the people and all expected the praise. People were praised a lot and many more were praised a lot. All was going well, when the donkey was passing by.

He saw the praises being collected and he was happy, he knew many of them would praise him a lot. And so the donkey showed a very beautiful show of talent and collected maximum praises. The monkey sitting on the top of the tree was watching the whole event and he thought, eh, why not?

He just came down from the tree and started asking people for praises. He went on them one by one until they gave him a lot of praises and suddenly the monkey reached the level of donkey. The donkey was unhappy with the whole thing and protested, it is unfair, it is unjust. It cried unfair, it said the monkey deserves no cheer. The monkey jeered sitting on the top of tree. By scoring more praises he had won the contest.

The donkey decided to kick the monkey, but the monkey had left the scene. The whole even turned into a mess and the war erupted between animals.

Very far away, sitting on the mountain, the traders said, 'Did they really see my product?'

The king and advisors had mysteriously vanished.

P.s. If you know whos who, its time you changed 'you'.

Your call is not important to us, but we pretend it is because we need your money not you

When someone praises you wholeheartedly, there are only two possibilities, either that someone is your girlfriend who liked the new summer collection in shoppers stop or a sales person who has a product in his pocket which he or she is going to shove in your face in the next fifteen minutes of praising you and if the sales person is on the phone, he has more chances of getting away with it.






India is called as the back-office of the world, all the customer service calls in the worlds are routed to India where decent customer service executives handle them effective and teach the dumb world how things are done, the customer service calls can be real pain as well as a big means of entertainment.


"See actually, I am really worried," he was talking frantically on the phone, "I do want to marry her, thats for sure but I am not sure if her father will agree. I am sure he doesn't want a criminal as a son-in-law."


Wow, the matter was so serious, oh wait, he is a criminal? I knew this man for past six years and I did not see him break even a traffic signal. Something is not wrong, 


"Thanks for listening to me," he concluded the phone call and looked at me.
I gave him a questioning glance, who?


"Oh some call center girl," he shrugged, "Trying to sell me a credit card."
"but then, why were talking such a thing with her?" I asked.
"Oh nothing, the cable's out, nothing to do, was bored so thought will weave a new story," he said, "You have the mobile operator helpline number? I am still bored."


I quickly exited from the place.


It was scandalous time, when the whole network lines were jammed.


I was waiting for my friend to call who had left her house but had not reached the destination. I kept glancing at the phone and at the screen for her to call back. Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. 


After fifteen nervous minutes, I was completely worried and then the phone rang.


Quickly I picked it up and blurted out,
"Thank God you called."
"I know sir, we have a loan offer for you..." came the reply.
"#$$%^^%$# (censored)," I answered.


Some credit card calls are deceptive. I was busy thinking about a brand new way of troubling the person in next cubicle when I got a call,
"Hello sir, we have a max limit credit card for you," she said in a sweet voice.
"Wow, what is the limit?" I asked.
"For that I need to know your salary," she answered back.
"Oh, but I thought you had a max limit credit card for me," I inquired back.
"But I need to know, do you work?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"Where?" she asked again.
"In Pune," I replied again.
"No I mean, which company?" she asked.
"I work in a MNC," I answered proudly.
"Wow, excellent...what is your salary there?" 
"Its 2000 rupees," I answered.
"Oh, don't joke, how can it be so less?" she asked.
"I am a janitor in the MNC..." I reply again proudly, "hello? madam?" 
Dang, she hung up on me. For those who do not know me, I am not a janitor in an MNC. Just clarifying.


When you call a customer care help line, you are guided through a very complex maze of 1 or 2. Sometimes I feel that they must be giggling listening to the misdirections and confused people.
I was worried that I could never reach a real human on a companies IVR. One of the call center operators is my friend, so I decided to pop her the question.
"Arey, Siddhu," she said in a tone that I am such a illiterate person, "Its very simple... see, first you press 1 then you press 4, after than press 3, and then press 2, finally press 5 and it will put you on a queue. Then you press 7 and then listen to song while we attend you. Wonder how hard it is?"
Did my mind just asked for a map?
So I did as she asked, and dialed the number in same sequence and with the thrill that I am opening some safe containing valuables in gold and silver. I listened at the final step when... I got a recording.
"All the customer service executive are busy at the moment. Your call is important to us, why don't you call us back?"
Dang.




Some of the customer care executives are funny and the worst part is, they decide to try their jokes on you, 
My friend was convincing a credit card calling executive that she did not need a credit card, after wasting ten minutes of the executive, she finally was about to hung up when the smart executive replied,


"Strange, a woman refusing a plastic."


Dang. That was smart.


We all had our share of funny moments don't we? We do need someone to blame and you can't blame the system, you can't wait for zillion times to blame the customer service executive... then you can always blame the Kalyug for the mess. Can't we?


Ding.