Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Simple Joys of Stupidity







When it comes to stupidity, I have one single rule, just because someone is stupid doesn't mean you kill him. Every person has a right to live, but that doesn't make them wiser. There I was in Noida, trying to face the scorching heat of the summer and also avoiding multiple times of bath taking when I got the call for a job interview.

"The interview location is at Gurgaon," she warned, "Monday morning at 2 o' Clock. The panelist would be there, don't be late."

Now, given the condition that this was a chance to leave noida forever and move back to my home ground, how dare could I be late. I cleaned myself as well as I could in the hard water of Noida and ran off to the interview. I should add here is this was the Delhi before common wealth games and Metro had come for the first time in Noida. The closest stop of metro was very far away from my place and I had to take a share auto (also called Garud in Delhi). So, here I was, trying to prevent creasing my well ironed shirt as I struggled to sit between a man who smelt like pan and a woman who smelt like.... urm...never mind, riding from sector 63 to Sector 32(Noida City Center metro stop)

Sweating and panting I got into the blue line metro, which was supposed to take me to Jhandewala. The 30 minute metro ride was supposed to be a life changing experience. At the gate of the metro sat an old man who was engrossed in his own thoughts and busy picking his nose. Halfway through his activity, he and me, both realized, that I was staring at him. Here I was trying to composite myself preparing for the job interview and this guy was busy.... mining. I tried hard to remove the horrible images from my mind, but sadly the more I tried the more solid they came back. Finally, I gave up and looked in completely opposite direction, only to realize the metro was not moving for last fifteen minutes. Living in Delhi for two years and travelling by blue line buses had made me strong enough to bear the horrors set by Murphy and his law, but it should hit me on the most important day of my career, well, it was impossible.... hence, it happened. The metro was waiting peacefully on the banks of river Yamuna and was apparently waiting for some clearance.

Nervous I looked around for a place to sit, but then realized I was only staring at a girl sitting on a general seat. That should not look good, I though and so, simply stood doing nothing.  The metro moved slowly talking me into the heart of capital of India. I was told, to look for the giant statue of Bajarang Bali, which would guide me to my next transit to Gurgaon. The next transport was a shared Tata Magic winger, which was a 6 seater but the driver obviously wanted to test the limit of the occupancy and crammed 8 people in it.

I was struggling to keep my only ironed shirt, wrinkle free, so that I may be presentable in front of the panelist and also trying hard to keep the images of the miner out of my head. The heat of Delhi had already gelled by hair with my sweat and I was smelling something horrible between a serial pan chewer and a off duty.... err....never mind.

So finally, my journey came to an end and I reached Gurgaon, the location of my great interview. I quickly and stealthy walked into the washroom and tried a lame attempt of adjusting my wrinkled shirt but then hopelessly gave up. I bend down to wash my face and the tap was super excited on opening, it excitedly flushed too much water, spoiling my shirt.

Cursing Murphy and his law for following me to this day, I kept a brave face as the recruited greeted me. She mentioned the panelist are here for the interview and asked to step into the room.

Not bothering about the shirt now semi wet, not bothering about the sweaty forehead, not bothering the horrible image of nose mining in the mind, not bothering about the smell of Delhi, UP and Haryana on my cloths, I took a deep breath and stepped inside the room.

There was no one there.

Surprised, shocked and confused I went outside and asked the recruiter, she insisted the panelist were there and walked in with me. She dialed a number and the panelist were heard on a simple land-line phone.

I had spoiled half a day in a bizzare adventures for a simple telephonic interview.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Planet of HandItnus

What actually made him leave the comfort zone he could not tell, he could not even tell when he left the ozone layer. The thing is Rajan left planet earth once and for all. How he left it was a different matter altogether, it had something to do with getting a box of donuts to certain people at NASA and a box of chocolate chip at the pentagon to approve a interstellar flight. The thing is, he did it.
Today, 467,700 trillion light years away he felt like it was just yesterday he left planet earth. Which in-fact was actually true. That's what his digital wrist watch told him, only one day had passed since he crossed the asteroid belt between mars and Jupiter (It has to do with some complex time-space continuum maths, I am not the right person to tell you what it is)
But anyways, the journey to planet Handltnus was boring, it was not at all as interesting as those space sci fi movies showed them. The intergalaxy national highway was cleaned and neatly paved with ether for smooth travel, they even had a choice of alien films, but the only films the flight could afford was Videshdrohi and Shaam Gopal Barma ki Gas (after spending billions on the intergalaxy bus they could not afford licensing rights for popular films, these films were played on request because no one on earth was watching them)
He was received by none other than his elder brother who welcomed his little bro on the native planet,
'Welcome to the universe first democracy,' the brother announced.
'I always kept hearing about it, the universe first democracy,' he exclaimed, 'That sounds so cool.'
'Its cooler than you think it is,' brother said, 'Come let me give you a guided trip to the amazing land...'
'This land was formed by some very awesome people who fought the evil monsters for the freedom. They were some really enlightened people who knew how the world was going to be in the next 1500 years and wrote a massive book, we like to call constitution. The book was so awesome that we never ever had a need to change it or modify it for a long long time." brother beamed, "We formed the worlds most amazing democracy we should feel proud about. Welcome to paradise brother, a land where God walked."
They walked a little ahead and he saw two vultures wearing plain white clothes and a cap on their head, 'Didn't you say this was a planet of humans?'
'Oh yes, it is, the most amazing democratic human planet in the entire galaxy, those vultures are the leaders here,' the brother said simply, 'It was long researched that humans are incapable of leadership for the simple fact that human do not vote for anyone but they do it against someone. So it was then decided that some other species would be selected for their leaders, who will take executive decisions for them. Voting was the best option chosen and all the humans voted which animals should be chosen as the leaders."
"The only animal human didn't vote against was... the vultures. The vultures did not harm the humans in any way, not alive at least, so the vultures were voted."
Looking at the smiling vultures, he remembered the biology class where his teacher explained that vultures feed on the remains of the dead body.
"Apart from the fact that most of the time they pass laws that get humans killed, we got a good leadership. But anyways, a constitution once written 1500 years ago cannot change, can it?"
Confused at the statement Rajan walked ahead to find a man busy digging on the street.
"A government worker I guess?" he asked quietly.
"No no, he is a human yes, but a not a homo-sapiens he is part homo-parasitia. They walk in groups and take over a territory. It can be a public street or a walking pavement, they come out of nowhere and start building the houses. They obviously do not pay any taxes or any money for the place they want to live in."
"So the government has to remove them?" he asked.
"No no, government does no such thing. See, we solved this problem long back. Government lets them build their community and take over a land, after few days government gives them free blankets and free food. Then a few days later gives them a free flat in a colony nearby just to make them leave."
"Isn't that a bit..." he was about to say something but that would seem racist.
"Its ok anyways, as long as they don't bring disease, again, who can change a constitution written by some great leaders so many years ago?" the brother questioned.
A few distance apart a group of tigers was running behind a couple
"I believe they are the cops here?"
"No no," the brother smiled,
"Tigers are the immoral policing in the region. They take charge of the things they don't like, or once in a while they get hungry to come in lime light. Due to their strength the government simply waits for them to finish their prey and feed on the carcass. It all started when the government failed to things properly and the force of tigers rose to the occasion. They used ultimate strength and power to restore law and order in the city however a few days later people realized the vultures were better, at least they didn't attack humans.... alive. But recently the lions have also rose and are fighting against the tiger, who knows whats going to happen next.
"So, what all animal kingdom are there in all here?" he asked curiously.
"We have these kittens who rule most of the industries here. They show the world how cute they are while minting a billion in process for them. Then obviously we have the apes, who mimic everything the humans do and even steal our jobs. The outsourcing industry is rich here."
"So... this planet, what does humans actually do?" I asked quietly.
"We have a life, a job, we leave these stupid civic duties to these animals and get busy making babies, doing a 9 to 5 job and even a weekend getaway. Once in a blue moon we go for a trip to other city. This is life man...," he said, "No hassles, no worries, no tensions. Wasn't that the purpose of the democracy?"

Rajan stared at him for a while, considered his options. Then he quietly turned back sat on his space ship and head back on earth. Both planet were same, same creatures, same false sense of patriotism, same stupidity, same constitution but he gave no clear answer why he returned, but it is said that once he was heard saying,
"Because I was born here..."

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Naked and hungry patriotic people are popular in India!!!

Gone are the days when people (read: some model no one knew about) used to take a vow of stripping down to bare basics for the sake of the country. Now a new air of patriotism has hit the market, going on fast till your demands are met.

People under the delusion that in a country of 30% people sleeping hungry at night actually care about their determination. Obviously media needs fodder and a godman, abandoning his daily fruits and milk for the greater good of the nation, is fulfilling their need.

Obviously this is not as powerful news as a godman in a sex scandal or godman in a murder case (Godmen do come in news for all wrong reasons no?) but it's ok. Its not always that a celebrity buys a ak 47 no? Such things happen once a bluemoon, so anyways the news is hot
a godman flew, yup flew, in a copter to Delhi to sit on a fast for.... Err... What is he fasting for?

Anyways, coming back to stripping for patriotism, I figured it would be more effective for at least we would be exposing someone.. Err... Something. Its not that I care for the good of the country, its just that, when people fly to a place in private jet and I have to ride my bike in freaking rain and no one is stripping in public, I tend to rant. I even tried fasting in my house, announcing that I won't eat until my demands are met, I even sat down and started preparing excel sheet for my demands but my.family rejoiced and brought Chinese food for dinner... Aww man, my fast lasted for exact 13 mins (not proud, but then I saw having Chinese food was in my list of demands, which was cool wasn't it?) So what are you fasting for today?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Softwarayan

Planning-kand

Mr. Ram had an urgent requirement of building a bridge and he immediately needed resources and a ODC to setup. He came off-shore to a outsourcing company who project manager, Sugriva. Initial deal was struck and they agreed on the band of monkeys to fulfill the requirement.

Requirement-kand

Sugriva also assigned Hanuman, the team lead for quicker completion of the project. The business analyst Angada finally managed to capture the exact location from where the bridge would start offshore, but to complete the bridge they needed to determine the distance between on-site and offshore. He noted down the requirements and handed it over to the team lead, Hanuman.

Hanuman consulted with his client Ram and Ram decided to send him onsite, to gather other requirements from there. And hence, Hanuman flew on-site. On the on-site he duly gathered the requirements, one by one. He observed that Lady Sita was kept in Ashoka Van, the forest. But his stealth was identified and to cover up the goof-up he set fire to Lanka.

He thought about lifting her and bringing her back to mainland, but he was a true software engineer and he was billed for only the effort of gathering information. Hence he came back fulfilling the requirement.

Designing-kand

Ram, the client, was happy that all his requirements were fulfilled and the pilot mission was successful. He then asked another set of ODC setup for a ram-setu project, which included building a bridge across the two island.

Two juniors from offshore Naal and Neel completed the project to the clients requirement and deployed the bridge to be later known as 'Ram Setu'. The client Ram was happy to see the project go live.

Deployment-kand.

The final phase was the warranty phase where the whole team was sent on-site for support. The whole team went on-site and Mr. Ram was able to overthrow Ravan and rescue his wife. Finally he installed Vibhishan as the king of Lanka and returned back.

Service and Support-kand

The requirement was complete and the project was successful, but the final on-site quality auditor dhobi asked few uncomfortable questions and hence Mr. Ram had to abandon his wife and thus ended the whole project.

True Story.

P.s. Don't go all senti on it, its just a joke for fun.



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