Why men should actually get 33% reservation

To provide equality to woman in all walks of the life, we give them 33% reservation everywhere.... genius. On a closer inspection, it has come to our notice that actually men should get 33%.... ok stop staring.... 20%....err..atleast 5% reservation in many things, listed below..

When I got a mis-cal at five of clock in the morning, I feared it was the miser alter-ego of me who wanted to give some information, so like I called me up, exactly at 5 o'clock and informed me that I should tell the world why men should get reservation (note to self: Stop watching Hindi movies while thinking)

Men demand equality, in all walks of life.... 33% more equality than woman.

1. Reservation on television remote control from evening 7:30 to 11:00

This rule will apply also during IPL matches and any cricket match for that matter. Also showing 2 balls per over does not mean we have seen enough and you get back to see the terrible torture of human beings (read: SaaS bahu / Reality shows or even Rahul ka Swayamvar)

2. Reservation on laptop / internet/ facebook, specially for those whose GF/wives/fiances are addicted to Farmville

Men demand it. They need equal rights, when the food is served hot and when we all need to lie down, it is not lying down that you are still busy farming on your farm.

My friends wife one day announced, let me harvest tomatoes quickly, I will serve food.

3. Men demand reservation to choose shops while shopping for clothes

Ok, first we need to know why you need more than one shop for shopping of one clothes? Why do you need clothes with so many criteria? Why do you need to shop after every three weeks?

And no, we do not understand a lot about clothes, because our requirements are fulfilled in three things Shirt, T-Shirt and Pants.

4. Reservation in judging the cleanliness of the room.

Do you realize that the reason why our books are lying around are because we want them to lie around?

We should get a say in where the things actually belong, so the towel on the cushion is ok.

The room is looking fine, ask Garfield.

5. Reservation in choosing the early breakfast food.

We totally and completely agree with Dr. Phyll that drinking karela juice early in the morning is good for health...but it is definitely not good for mental sanity of the person, nor will it be good for our relationship.

Also, we would like to have onion parathas in the morning with fresh butter on it. Ok, fat-free butter.

6. Reservation in deciding which movie to go.

Righto, see there are many good, great movies screened in multiplexes. Please don't drag us to the movies of the chocolate hero. No, we also do not wish to see Twilight, again. we know you prayed last night, I become a vampire.

7. Reservation in choosing the beauty products you buy on my credit card.

Seriously if your anti-ageing cream worked it would get you back to puberty by now. Why do we need 5 different bottles of hair shampoo in the bathroom and what the green Gobar in the dish kept in bathroom? Why is my hair itching?

8. Reservation in getting seat on the bus.

Ok, this is a debatable issue, but we want at-least 33% reservation on the 33% seats available for woman, you see, we travel in hot dhoop to get front row seat only to get up two stops down for you. We need reservation.

9. Reservation in deciding the limit of drinking beer.

It is really ok for me to drink more than a peg and drive. I am not a drunkard, but I should decide when it is ok for me to stop drinking...err...ok... I should probably stop talking now.

10. Reservation to comment on Sidoscope

As the fighter and protector on mans right, I hereby declare 33% reservation for men on comments herewith. Go on use the comment box without any fear of the lady coming and making you stand. :P

Statutory Warning: On insistent of my lawyer, I hereby declare that I hold no responsibility for any stomach pains, throat pains or if you fall of your chair while reading this or any article on Sidoscope. Plus if you mail me the picture of you falling off, I will make you a celebrity.

I hold no affiliation with any political party.

I hold no affiliation with any God. Sacchi.

And I do not accept bribes, but donation chalega. Love letters written behind the blank signed cheques are accepted.

[Update: Chandni has a brilliant follow up post in reply to this, do check it out here.]

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Sid the Kid: Chawk Markings

Fiction 55 is a story written in 55 words or less. Read more about 55-fiction on the wiki. Continuing the super action on Sidoscope, Sid the Kid Fiction 55 series, with one 55 words (mis) adventure of Sid the Kid per week

She saw Sid the Kid busy drawing chalk marks on the street.

She stood over his drawing sternly and asked him,

'Eeeks,' she screamed, 'What are you doing?'

WHAM, the football hit on her head with large force.

'Checking how far my brother kicks ball,' shrugged Sid the Kid and ran away.

Catch the mischief of Sid the kid every friday on Sidoscope.  More Sid the Kid....

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doG

You can only come to the morning through the shadows- J.R.R. Tolkein

It was a desperate ploy, I admit. My interest in the supreme power was not to utilize it or harness it. I never dreamt I would one day wield it. I never knew the ultimate power could be tamed by anyone, lest only me. I judged that I had grown up with a massive power of will myself. I had survived so far, I bet on my own willpower to survive, which I am good at.

It was just survival, to survive I plunged into the ultimate power and I became God.

I became one with the universe.

----

The devil is now the God. Can the universe be saved from total annihilation? Can the world survive the devil? Do we have to worship the devil now? 

Read the concluding part of the ultimate out-of-the-world story. Fused in with two religious dogma and the ultimate truth..... death.

Vote for me.

http://www.indimag.com/2010/03/17/dog/

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The 10 commandments of Kalyuga

The birth of Kamal Khan marked the beginning of ghor Kalyuga, the world had not even settled down from the shock of Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag, that deshdhrohi was made. Aghor Kalyug.

Last night, when I was dreaming about Deepika Padukone again, a white rat spoke to me ten commandments I should know if I have to survive Kalyuga. Now as a good boy, I take it as my duty to tell you all good things that God secretly tells me, wondering why he always comes as rat.

So anyways, without wasting time then… read and stay alive… at least till release of Deshdrohi part 2.

1) Thou shalt receive the most important call of your life, while you are in the loo
This has happened to each one of us, one time or another isn't it? You are enjoying the beautiful feelings peacefully, engrossed in your own world, thinking if Obama should attack Afghanistan, when your phone rings with a very horrible ringtone. Now, I know you receive wrong numbers all the time, but this time the number is right, the moment is wrong. The caller must be your boss, who wishes to send you to a trip somewhere but because you are unavailable will send someone else!!!!

2) Thou shalt get caught while watching a movie on a working day
This commandment is very very bad. There is a nice movie and you promise your GF to show the movie, you call your office that your stomach is upset and sit into the darkness of theatre. During the interval you see your boss along with your colleague in the same theatre watching the same movie, its good thing if your boss is married because he won't mention this incident ever, but if he is not....God bless you...:P

3) Thou shalt be emotionally blackmailed by the feminine gender every time you are playing a game.
Here we have some diversion, if you are married it will be your wife. If you are committed it will be your GF and if you are single it will be your mom. The feminine gender in general is very keen on disturbing you you reach the climax of the game.

You are in between a highway chase with 10-15 police cars behind you, you are desperately looking for pursuit breakers on the way and at the same moment, your wife/ GF will want you to take a bath and if you say no, emotional blackmail follows!!!

After about fifteen levels, 540 days of pursuit, chases, bomb blast you finally find the mob boss who you intend to kill to win the finally unwinnable level, when your mom wants you to clean your room because the friend of a friend ki bahu ki friend ki shaadi hai, aur friend of a friend wants to visit your house. 

4) Thou shalt get food only in the break of Saas-Bahu shows

This is a timing based curse, if you time your returning from office exactly at the moment of television ad break then only you will get hot tea otherwise you have to wait till the next television break.

5) Thou shalt not buy proper clothing's for you.
The color that you like, the design you choose will never ever fit you, giving chance to your GF or Mom to say that you have a bad dressing sense. Had you taken one of them to the shop than the other would not like it. Take both of them and the shop will be closed from next day!!!

6) Thy wife/gf/bf/husband/friend will be working hard on their farms yet make no sensible money from it.

How many of you nodded? Tell tell. This is the next season of kahani ghar ghar ki.

7) Thou shalt comment on the most idiotic blog post (like this one here) in hopes that your blog post won’t go unnoticed.

It is the most truthful of the laws of kalyug. Obviously this rule has many exception, like honest bloggers, but mostly it is true. C’mon no one wants their post to get unnoticed do you?

8) Thou shall not send an update on Twitter/Facebook about thy fake illness.

The day you put a sick leave and office and go for outing and random musing. You tweet, You buzz, it comes everywhere on internet. The next day you pretend your stomach was upset, but right from the peon to the manager all are looking at it as if the chariot of Dharmaraja has touched ground thanks to you.

9) Thy children will grow smarter than you, so will your old parents.

A unavoidable rule. Your child within twenty seconds on his computer tell you, your second cousin marriage is on 27th, your mother is partying on the beach (yes old mother, weak wailing old mother, pension plan), you are so so not cool and your brothers son just buzz you that he is going to follow you (eeeks) on everything…:P

I pray this doesn’t happen with you.

10) God-men and priest will have a better sexual life than you.

With Babas and God-men popping out across the streets, faster than humans actually lose faith. It is bound to happen.  Recent kumb mela went peacefully without any problems because Nityananda was missing. Also reward for awarded for anyone searching for Nityananda.

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Some significant discoveries made by woman, stolen by men.

This was written on Woman's day, but then I got a call at morning 5 am from me, who told me he will take the post down. So it was not me who removed the post but me who calls me at five o’clock in the morning. Many people said it was a nice post, so putting it back up. Enjoy.

 Today to wish the noble opponent congratulation on her day, i.e., woman day, throughout the time woman have made many worthwhile discoveries, like when men invented fire to watch at woman in dark, woman invented cooked food.

There are many other discoveries mankind has seen, which woman had a lion-share in or shall I say, lioness share in...

Long long time ago when there were no daily soaps, woman used to get very bored sitting in the house. So what really happened was, when Mrs. Newton got bored of taunting her husband endlessly and threw him out of the house.

He then went and sat under a tree thinking of building a complex machine to break open the door. When she realized his plan, she immediately picked up a fallen apple and threw on his head, she aimed high and it hit him hard.

As she saw the apple come down with a massive force on her husbands head, she realized the greatest discovery of all, it was her destiny, it was her moment of truth, she discovered... Apple juice!!!

Excited from this discovery she picked up the apple and told her no-good husband, Isaac about it.

He in-turn pondered on the apple and snatched it and ran into his room. There they say he was locked up for months and finally managed to write three small lines, the three laws of motion....

He went to a bunch of no-good ideals in the city and they pondered on the three lines for hours and he cunningly told the tale of how God threw apple on him.

Sad Mrs. Newton, she couldn't get her name on the discovery and couldn't even drink apple juice!!!

So you see, while man was busy fighting complex math around a stupid apple, woman on other hand made the most important use of it...

But woman were also not far behind in moths,

One day Miss Alberta Einstein was arguing with her boy friend that they do not meet often. He however insisted that they met every day for around 8 hours. In the meanwhile she often wondered why she works at the patent office for 30 hours per day???

She decided to stay away from her boyfriend and locked herself into the room, after several months, or was it years??? decades maybe....or aeons?? Alberta's worried mother called her out to meet her relatives, Lo and behold...she exclaimed,

"Everything is relative!!" announced Alberta.

Her brother, Albert, immediately overheard this and he also went into the same room, and after years and years later came out with a single line, sheesh…E=MC2

Its a cruel world no? So finally they reported of Albert as the Einstein!!!!

Although its pretty late...but happy wooo-mans day!!!

P.s. How could I miss woman's day?

P. P.s. The articles are meant for fun and do not mean to disrespect any individual, group or person…sacchi.

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God

The only truth in the universe is death. Extinction. Annihilation. In a highly fluid environment one must be prepared for change, extinction is the natures way of telling that land must be cleared for a new species to dominate. Nature is governed by a single law, Adapt or perish.

This holds true for a single individual, species, society or even a reality. Thus when Dinosaurs had fulfilled their time on earth, a meteoroid shower conveniently wiped them of their existence.

The universe threw me into the liquid reality without any life support…. sink or swim, in the ancient prison of Kaladunga. I did, what I always do best, I survived. I was born in the dark cellar on the dungeon on the island of Kaladunga, and my childhood was spend getting whipped by the prison master for the sins I never committed.

----
This is the entry posted by me on INDImag's Katha Sagar contest. An interesting tale how we humans condemned a person to darkness who is now out there to rob the light.

Katha Sagar on INDIMag is a very interesting contest and if you love short stories, I can put a bet, you won't love to miss it.

Read the complete story on INDImag...God.

Read other entries in Katha Sagar.

And....enjoy the weekend.

Cheers,

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...And he returns.... Sid the Kid

Fiction 55 is a story written in 55 words or less. Read more about 55-fiction on the wiki. Continuing the super action, Sid the Kid Fiction 55 series. I have started the Sid the Kid series, with one 55 words (mis) adventure of Sid the Kid per week

Sid the Kid: Maths Problem

She saw Sid the Kid walk into the house tired and sad, 

'How was your math homework we did yesterday?' she asked.

'I got one wrong,' said Sid the Kid handing the paper.

'But the score is zero,' she exclaimed looking at paper.

'I got one wrong, rest all is yours,' he shrugged.

What happened to Funny Friday Fiction 55?

Season one of the series ended last week with 10 super bloggers (including me :P) coming as guest blogger every Friday. 

You can still write for Sidoscope, choose a category from regular features and drop in a mail at guestblogger AT sidoscope DOT co DOT in with the category you are interested mentioned in subject line. 

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Sidtoons: Episode 8: Data Entry

Presenting the exclusive Damru comics ladies and gentlemen. The comics directly created in photoshop, exclusively on Sidoscope.

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10 ways how aliens can conquer and destroy our planet

For last few days I was quietly sitting alone pondering over how we can conquer planet earth (yeah I do that most of the times, specially during the private space of bathroom) and it surprised me, while half the planet is busy harvesting crops in Farmville, aliens can conquer and destroy the whole planet. As surprised as I was with the profound knowledge that I quickly decided to alert the world, I wanted to travel to meet the president of United States to meet him, but after many attempts I could not even meet the duplicate president shown in Hindi Film, but my name is Kabe and I did not give up, I went ahead to meet the President of Ulhasnagar Sindi Association (USA) but they laughed at me and also tried to sell their ‘made in USA’ product because of which I had to run away.

I then went to my good old friend, a big shot rocket scientist, but he saw me from his peephole pressed some buttons and his house flew high up on planet mars, wonder why? Last time he has listened to me for four hours when I showed him how we should invent a Terminator style complex high-funda gun for opening tin cans, wrappers and cut nails.

So I was left with no option but to do this social reform on internet now there is a risk of reading this article and be alarmed, but this risk has to be taken. I am sure aliens surf internet, they visit by blog too often, my reader says I get more than hundred visits per day but no comments, so I conclude they don’t understand English yet and are learning it faster than China, we must be careful, lest projects are outsourced there.
Anyways, so where was I? Oh yes, possibilities of how the aliens can capture and destroy the planet earth, if you are an alien who has mastered English language reading this please don't mind I have no brain for you to capture and study!!!


1. Drain from the world the black liquid fuel.
They can build a large, big, big suction chamber that will suck all the COFFEE from the world. Yes, COFFEE, we should immediately put all coffee wells under extreme military protection. I myself am protecting my coffee cup, I also have a suggestion of keeping coffee using modern preservation techniques in powered form behind reinforced steel doors of banks. I do not know, why the banks threw me out of the premises. Damm, capitalist.

2. Build a mind reading machine and sell it over for 70% discount at Big Bazaar
Imagine 70% discount, all the female population will leave Mihir Virani behind him as well as their husband and run to utilize the discount, not knowing exactly what they are buying, but hey, its on sale, lets buy it. They use the machine and hear the men's personal thoughts about them and immediately there is a big murdering wave across the globe, all men are killed immediately.
Then they hear each-others thought and again the killing wave repeats. Until a handful woman are left, which the aliens kill and capture.


3. Show re-runs Deshdrohi and Deshdrohi part 2 with English subtitles on Sky
They build a larger than the largest movie projector, yes even larger than the Large Hadron Collider, the largest machine humans could ever build which did not start on its first day (progress of mankind :P), so anyways the aliens build larger projector than LHC and then project Deshdrohi film on it, immediately brain kill of half of the planet, it even has English subtitles!!!!
Impressed with the work, they go in disguise as fans (??) of Kamal Khan and obtain the exclusive rights for distribution of Deshdrohi 2, signing him for another 5 movies, just in case.


4. Program Skynet and build Terminator.
I always somehow suspected that alien had to do something with the terminator, but then I feared from alien power human killing robots so did not tell this to anyone before. What will we do if Terminator army attacks us? Interesting... I should start working on a plan, wondering if Terminator are made dog-poop proof?


5. Installing Hypnos-rays in Farmville by drawing crop circles.
As more and more people are getting addicted to farms in Farmville, the aliens draw crop circles on their farm installing a Hypnos-ray there, then they delve deep into our minds and transport them into a realm of dreams rendering you totally hopeless finally eliminating our existence into hypnoparticles which they use as source of their energy. Aah creepy.


6. Create Himesh Reshmiya clones and send each one with a free cap and a mike across the globe.
A wave of hard hitting songs hit the globe. Songs with crappy lyrics and catchy music are spread across the globe. The president of united states sings, 'Mann ka radio, sunne de jara...' The world is busy saving their minds from the trouble when they organize a jazz show across the globe….total annihilation!!!


7. Kidnap 'Ba' and hold the world ransom.
They kidnap 'Ba' and then hold the condition that if the demands are not met, they will release her on the planet again. All men who finally got food on time, no more crying over Mihir leaving house and no more changing curtains whenever they change on TV, readily agree to become the slave to aliens rather than 'Ba'

There is a future version of this story as told by Anuradha.,  "I think aliens capturing Ba and Mihir won't be a threat at all coz before you know alien-wives will be addicted to the duo and male aliens will finally send them back to earth. On second thoughts, they might get so furious, they'd create multiple clones of mihir and ba to avenge what they had to go through."
Oh my!!


8. Manufacture low-quality-cheap item cheaper than China and sell all over the globe with 'Made in China' tag.
Ooh they try to take down our markets with cheap mobile phones, computers and then slowly make their way into our market. Then they take over the whole world, by selling everything for very very very very cheap. 

9. Make holes in all condoms across the globe quietly.
This suddenly produces humans faster than rabbits, this causes a phobia of sex across the globe for all men. Men get afraid of sex completely and humans get busy managing so many kids, that the world goes crazy and aliens walk the street.


10. They create a laughing gas using some stuff from Sidoscope and people keep on laughing till eternity.
Oh my Gosh, oh my Gosh. This is bad, this is total bad. But don’t worry folks, become immune to the laughing gas, keep following…:D (Okay that was shameless self-promotion)
So there it is, the 10 ways how they can take us down, so be prepared, they can come down from anywhere, I also have suggestion how we can use nail cutters to dismantle their complex alien ship, but no one listens to me…sheesh!!!

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