...And he returns.... Sid the Kid

Fiction 55 is a story written in 55 words or less. Read more about 55-fiction on the wiki. Continuing the super action, Sid the Kid Fiction 55 series. I have started the Sid the Kid series, with one 55 words (mis) adventure of Sid the Kid per week

Sid the Kid: Maths Problem

She saw Sid the Kid walk into the house tired and sad, 

'How was your math homework we did yesterday?' she asked.

'I got one wrong,' said Sid the Kid handing the paper.

'But the score is zero,' she exclaimed looking at paper.

'I got one wrong, rest all is yours,' he shrugged.

What happened to Funny Friday Fiction 55?

Season one of the series ended last week with 10 super bloggers (including me :P) coming as guest blogger every Friday. 

You can still write for Sidoscope, choose a category from regular features and drop in a mail at guestblogger AT sidoscope DOT co DOT in with the category you are interested mentioned in subject line. 

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Sidtoons: Episode 8: Data Entry

Presenting the exclusive Damru comics ladies and gentlemen. The comics directly created in photoshop, exclusively on Sidoscope.

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10 ways how aliens can conquer and destroy our planet

For last few days I was quietly sitting alone pondering over how we can conquer planet earth (yeah I do that most of the times, specially during the private space of bathroom) and it surprised me, while half the planet is busy harvesting crops in Farmville, aliens can conquer and destroy the whole planet. As surprised as I was with the profound knowledge that I quickly decided to alert the world, I wanted to travel to meet the president of United States to meet him, but after many attempts I could not even meet the duplicate president shown in Hindi Film, but my name is Kabe and I did not give up, I went ahead to meet the President of Ulhasnagar Sindi Association (USA) but they laughed at me and also tried to sell their ‘made in USA’ product because of which I had to run away.

I then went to my good old friend, a big shot rocket scientist, but he saw me from his peephole pressed some buttons and his house flew high up on planet mars, wonder why? Last time he has listened to me for four hours when I showed him how we should invent a Terminator style complex high-funda gun for opening tin cans, wrappers and cut nails.

So I was left with no option but to do this social reform on internet now there is a risk of reading this article and be alarmed, but this risk has to be taken. I am sure aliens surf internet, they visit by blog too often, my reader says I get more than hundred visits per day but no comments, so I conclude they don’t understand English yet and are learning it faster than China, we must be careful, lest projects are outsourced there.
Anyways, so where was I? Oh yes, possibilities of how the aliens can capture and destroy the planet earth, if you are an alien who has mastered English language reading this please don't mind I have no brain for you to capture and study!!!


1. Drain from the world the black liquid fuel.
They can build a large, big, big suction chamber that will suck all the COFFEE from the world. Yes, COFFEE, we should immediately put all coffee wells under extreme military protection. I myself am protecting my coffee cup, I also have a suggestion of keeping coffee using modern preservation techniques in powered form behind reinforced steel doors of banks. I do not know, why the banks threw me out of the premises. Damm, capitalist.

2. Build a mind reading machine and sell it over for 70% discount at Big Bazaar
Imagine 70% discount, all the female population will leave Mihir Virani behind him as well as their husband and run to utilize the discount, not knowing exactly what they are buying, but hey, its on sale, lets buy it. They use the machine and hear the men's personal thoughts about them and immediately there is a big murdering wave across the globe, all men are killed immediately.
Then they hear each-others thought and again the killing wave repeats. Until a handful woman are left, which the aliens kill and capture.


3. Show re-runs Deshdrohi and Deshdrohi part 2 with English subtitles on Sky
They build a larger than the largest movie projector, yes even larger than the Large Hadron Collider, the largest machine humans could ever build which did not start on its first day (progress of mankind :P), so anyways the aliens build larger projector than LHC and then project Deshdrohi film on it, immediately brain kill of half of the planet, it even has English subtitles!!!!
Impressed with the work, they go in disguise as fans (??) of Kamal Khan and obtain the exclusive rights for distribution of Deshdrohi 2, signing him for another 5 movies, just in case.


4. Program Skynet and build Terminator.
I always somehow suspected that alien had to do something with the terminator, but then I feared from alien power human killing robots so did not tell this to anyone before. What will we do if Terminator army attacks us? Interesting... I should start working on a plan, wondering if Terminator are made dog-poop proof?


5. Installing Hypnos-rays in Farmville by drawing crop circles.
As more and more people are getting addicted to farms in Farmville, the aliens draw crop circles on their farm installing a Hypnos-ray there, then they delve deep into our minds and transport them into a realm of dreams rendering you totally hopeless finally eliminating our existence into hypnoparticles which they use as source of their energy. Aah creepy.


6. Create Himesh Reshmiya clones and send each one with a free cap and a mike across the globe.
A wave of hard hitting songs hit the globe. Songs with crappy lyrics and catchy music are spread across the globe. The president of united states sings, 'Mann ka radio, sunne de jara...' The world is busy saving their minds from the trouble when they organize a jazz show across the globe….total annihilation!!!


7. Kidnap 'Ba' and hold the world ransom.
They kidnap 'Ba' and then hold the condition that if the demands are not met, they will release her on the planet again. All men who finally got food on time, no more crying over Mihir leaving house and no more changing curtains whenever they change on TV, readily agree to become the slave to aliens rather than 'Ba'

There is a future version of this story as told by Anuradha.,  "I think aliens capturing Ba and Mihir won't be a threat at all coz before you know alien-wives will be addicted to the duo and male aliens will finally send them back to earth. On second thoughts, they might get so furious, they'd create multiple clones of mihir and ba to avenge what they had to go through."
Oh my!!


8. Manufacture low-quality-cheap item cheaper than China and sell all over the globe with 'Made in China' tag.
Ooh they try to take down our markets with cheap mobile phones, computers and then slowly make their way into our market. Then they take over the whole world, by selling everything for very very very very cheap. 

9. Make holes in all condoms across the globe quietly.
This suddenly produces humans faster than rabbits, this causes a phobia of sex across the globe for all men. Men get afraid of sex completely and humans get busy managing so many kids, that the world goes crazy and aliens walk the street.


10. They create a laughing gas using some stuff from Sidoscope and people keep on laughing till eternity.
Oh my Gosh, oh my Gosh. This is bad, this is total bad. But don’t worry folks, become immune to the laughing gas, keep following…:D (Okay that was shameless self-promotion)
So there it is, the 10 ways how they can take us down, so be prepared, they can come down from anywhere, I also have suggestion how we can use nail cutters to dismantle their complex alien ship, but no one listens to me…sheesh!!!

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Time Travel

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 8; the eighth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Note: This story is based on beliefs and concepts buried under the sands of time in Hindu culture. Time is a circular wheel according to Vedas, where there is beginning there is an end, and after the end, again a new Beginning. The following story is a short side-story using the characters from my ambitious new novel Kalyuga (working title) hope you enjoy it.

I am lost in time. I stand here caught between moments, caught between what was, what is, what will be. Where do I go? How do I go?

And most important...what do I do?

Before me is my beginning.

Four boys drag a little boy into the house. The little boy is tied and gagged. They throw him into the house and bolt the door from outside.

'Now we have to call his father,' the oldest one speaks, 'Is he tied securely?'

Behind me is my future,

A man is standing facing a mob of policemen who are holding weapons on him.

'Its over, Bhairav,' the inspector said, 'You are not as young as you used to be, son, your bones are weak. Surrender now, this shouldn't end this way.'

I stand here caught between what is and what may be, with the potential of changing it all. I can jump into my past and unlock the door, free me and the poison that entered my mind that day, will never enter, undoing all the deeds I did after that. I can jump into the future, take down the mob, its easy for me now, I have done it before and free me.

But I wait, to see what happens next in my future.

'I was waiting for you,' future Bhairav said looking behind.
'Who you are talking to?' the inspector replies, 'There is no one there.'
'I know this would happen all along,' future Bhairav said, 'There is nothing you can do to stop it. There is no way you can prevent this from happening. There is no turning back,'

There is, I can enter my past, change what happened and restore my life as it was. No longer killer, no longer enforcer, no longer Hitman. I would grow up to be a normal kid like others.

'I cannot tell you what is going to happen, because it is better this way,' future Bhairav replies addressing to me, 'There is no better way to go down, than go down fighting.'

'Listen, don't do it,' the inspector said, 'I can save you. You are old, there are too many people killed already, don't put your blood on my hands. Come with me. I know you killed the Hooded Clan, all of their members.'

'Its over buddy,' Future Bhairav replies, 'You can get away from here, take a walk, don't turn back. There will be bullets fired, all in self-defense. If I survive, its my fate, if I don’t you won’t feel bad'

I see him remove safety lock from pistol behind his back.

'You don't have to see it. Take a walk...,' future Bhairav said, '...brother.'

The inspector rubs his eyes, puts his hand on the shoulder, 'Mom always loved you more. She knew you were alive, she searched for you all over the place. I feel sorry for mom'

'She lived well, mom,' future Bhairav replied, then turned his face towards me, 'Do me a favor will you? When you meet mom, tell her, I loved her. Tell her that always, whenever you get a chance. Tell her every night, that your life would have been much better if we had not been separated in childhood'

I should do something, I felt the creeping sensation of death looming around.

'A true master takes nothing back from life,' future Bhairav loads his gun, 'Thus, he is ready to die at any moment. Death is just another event in the grand plan…Just for the record...'

'Men,' shouted the constable, 'Ready. Don't show mercy. He has killed many and he can slaughter us all in a jiffy, fire at will...'

'... I didn't do it..' saying the future Bhairav jumped into the mob and bullets fired… blood splattered.

I can still stop it, I can do something... I look at my past, from behind the dumpster. The four kidnappers will return soon, I must act fast, I must rescue myself..

I...

'You cannot do anything...' the words echo in my ears.

I can.. I should..

The four kidnappers return back with no good intention, I know what happens next, they strip me of my clothes and...

A blinding light surrounds me, my past and future vanishes. Everything is blank now. Hello?

Where am I?

'Can you hear me?' a voice echoes in the darkness.

Who are you?

'I am sent down here to remove you from this limbo,' the voice says.

The what?

'You are stuck between time,' the voice explains, 'You have tampered with Samay Chakra(the wheel of time), because of which the time-space capsule cracked. The time-line is bend. Death is getting hungry, for no one has died while you are in the limbo, the forgotten space between past, present and the future.'

Oh my, I did mess a lot.

'Now, we have to bring you back to the present and restore the time-line that is bend...before time flips again.'

Time flips?
A blue flame is emerging at the horizon. Is this time flip?

'The time will flip again, it has taken me a lot of meditation to reach you now, we must hurry. You should see a blue light coming towards you anytime now. I am slowly twisting the samay chakra, the blue light will indicate me which time you are in, we have to twist it very slowly or you will be lost in time'

I have already seen it.

'Let it guide you. I are turning Samay Chakra now, it is a painful process, do not give up on me. Do not loose hope. Stay with me. Aum'

The blue light grows larger and it enters me.

A blinding flash of light and everything changes.

I remember this. Three months later after my kidnapping in Dharavi, they were teaching me how to beg. But... this time I am me, I am not watching it from distance, I am not the spectator, I am the person, I am living the moment....again.

'Will you beg?' the eye-patched man held a red hot burning rod in his hand, 'tell me.'

He burns a scar on my hand. I scream, the agony, the pain, I am reviving all over again.

'Aa-uu-mm,' the voice resonated.

Again the blinding flash

The day I killed my captor, I was 16, was tired of his torture, my body was numb from scars and pain. I had no soul and the soulless monster kept torturing me for 8 years even if I begged for him and was underfed. But today was enough, he tortured me too much, I remember I had brought a butchers knife with me while coming.

‘You have come, kid, where is today money?’ the eye-patched man asked drinking from the bottle.

‘You pig,’ I hacked him to pieces using the butchers knife, ‘You…spoilt my childhood for your dirty desires…you…’

‘Aa-uu-mm’ The voice echoed.

‘…spoilt my childhood'

The butchers knife in my hand turns suddenly turns into a baseball bat, I was trashing the local mafia at age 17, becoming an enforcer.

This time I met mob boss, Sultan, the unseen, mob-boss of mumbai docs. He is offering me a chance to work for him.

The gold smuggler rules the doc of Mumbai, I readily agree, as it will give me chance to gain power.

'Aa-uu-mm'

Age 20, I committed my first murder for money.

'See the man sitting with his family, we attack him,' explained Param, the right-hand man of Sultan sitting in the hotel.

'But, he has kids with him,' I speak.

'We spare no one,' Param said, 'The kid will grow up to take revenge...we have to dice him'

'But... the kid is just seven,' I explained. I feel scared of killing a seven year old.

'We have to,' Param said, not bothered at all.

We all attack at the same time at the table, I see the look of horror in the kids eyes as I have to shoot him.

'Aa-uu-mm'

The time flips again and again, and I see my victims, I see orphans who lost their parents, widows who cried, men who lost their family. I see them all, all over again, and I realize I cannot stand them now. So many families torn apart because of me.

'Aa-uu-mm'

Every time the time flips, my legs grow weaker, as time moves on, I feel drained, lost... I feel the mountain of my sins mound on my back. With rivers of blood flowing downward. The dead now haunt me, as I relieve my life again... I realize, the magnitude of crime I created...

'Aa-uu-mm'

'Wait,' I shout and everything around me blacks out, 'I can't take this. All the things I did in my life, I cannot bear them.' I collapse, my legs give away, 'I am not a good man. Greed motivated me, it was my greed that made me enter the sacred sun temple and try to steal the Samay Chakra (Wheel of Time). I deserve to die. Please kill me.'

'Son,' the voice speaks, 'You are not to decide what you deserve. Some wounds are only healed by Time. It flows continuously, beyond infinity, there is always a zero. Time does not stop, so does not your deeds. You may have bad time, but you know you also had good times. Time always gives a second chance'

I look around me, there is nothing around. Blank. Void.

'I did all I could, to survive. I had to. I was left with no choice. My life was shaped by that way by destiny..'

'Destiny is not as easy as you understand, the event you saw till now, shaped your destiny. No one can tell, what you will end up after few years, not even God. The decisions we take, the choice we make shapes your destiny. No victory is written in stars, neither is any defeat. Time is giving you a second chance...you cannot waste it. Don't get lost in time.'

I still stand a change to take my life head-on. I can undo it all...this was my redemption. My rebirth,

'Are you ready?' the voice asks.

I stand up on my feet. With full strength and a new energy flowing in me.

'Bring it on...'

'Aa-uu-mm' the voice enchanted and time flipped again.

I realize my family had assumed me dead long back when the kidnappers had kidnapped at. The hunt for my family has haunted me since long, after hunting for them, I realize that my four captors are lost with time. Who where the four kids no one knows, but today at age 23 I found one of them, he is my boss... Sultan.

He began with kidnapping at age 14 in the slums of Dharavi and after selling children, he moved to Dubai and became the biggest gold smuggler in the world.

I am sitting there in my room, gazing at the weapon the man gave me. It is loaded with six bullets and I vow today to empty it into his chest and the three others if I meet them

'Aa-uu-mm'

Age 27. Sultan is running for his life, huffing and puffing, as I chase him with the gun, he had gifted me. Ironically we are running towards the hut in dharavi where my life began.

'You can run, Sultan, but you cannot hide,' I shout shooting a bullet into his leg, 'All your gang members are dead, so will you...'

Sultan falls on the ground, I can see fear in his eyes.

'Don't kill me, please,' Sultan said, 'I will make you rich, beyond your dreams.'

'Before you die,' I ask, 'Tell me who are my parents? From whom you kidnapped me?'

The words hit hard on my ears, I was kidnapped to take revenge from my father, the then Police SP.

'I taught you...' Sultan pleaded.

'And you taught me well, you taught me killing, you taught me leadership, and above all you taught me...'

I press the trigger hard and pump his heart with all six bullets.

'Aa-uu-mm'

'...betrayal.'

This time, I find myself hiding in the bushes. Once I realize who my family is, I search for them and I finally find the house. I have a surviving mother and a brother who also is a police offer like my father.

I am hiding in the bushes, to take a closer look at my house, to take a closer look at my mom.

I still do not have the nerve to visit them, hence I am staying far away and observing.

How ironic, that I am here looking for my family, when I have destroyed so many families in my life.

'Aa-uu-mm'

There is a news in the market, that I am retiring. After a bloody life of more than hundred hits, I finally settle down. I decide to change name and go into hiding, when a last job calls me back on the street.

A hooded stranger is willing to pay well to steal the golden wheel from the Sun temple. Their clan are sworn enemies of the temple. I never had a religion, no one told me about it. I never knew nor understood God. Stealing the wheel was a difficult task as it was hidden behind a cryptic under the temple.

All I had to do was steal the wheel and escape, but the moment I touched the wheel, it turned and...

I collapse on the ground, where am I? I am back into the present. I look around, the stone temple stands firm while the wheel is back to its position.

I look around for the source of the voice, no one, but this revelation has shown me something. I should protect the wheel at all cost.

I have to get out of here and pretend this thing never happened. I have a rendezvous with my client in the evening, till then I need to clear my head of all thoughts.

An old man enters the temple and rings the bell as I exit the doors. The enchanted voice of the bell reaches my mind and I realize my destiny.

Epilogue:

I can see him standing there with hood on his face.

'Where is the wheel?' he asks.

‘I did not steal it, I won’t do it for you,’ I reply to him, my gun ready to fire incase he attacks.

‘I cannot enter the temple, you have to get it for me. I have paid you well,’ the man argues.

‘I will return your money with interest,’ I reply, ‘I won’t let you have it.’

‘You do not realize who you are dealing with….you made the deal with the devil.’

'You are not getting it,' I reply firmly, 'I will make sure it remains there.'

The man speaks nothing for a while, he looks somewhere at the distance 'You messed with the demon, you will pay for it. The demon lord won’t spare you.'

'...I will be ready for it...' I reply. This was my redemption.

Epilogue 2:

A few distance away from Bhairav, where the hooded strange glanced, the old man is walking bend on his stick, he looks at Bhairav standing upright to the hooded messenger. A smile comes on the wrinkled face and he vanishes into thin air.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

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Funny Friday Fiction 55 with Mani Padma

Finally after a lot of try, finally managed to steal off power-blogger, Mani Padma, the star blogger from Fried Eye and Ginger Chai, if only for 55 words. 

The Proposal 

He was supposed to come today. Will he pop the question ? 

I looked at the watch nervously ,when the calling bell rang. 

I rushed to meet him. Seeing me, he bend on one knee and offered the rose, his eyes communicating the question.

“Oh Sid! Yes! I will write for you sure," I sobbed.

You are all invited to participate in Funny Friday Flash Fiction 55, just drop a mail id to guestblogger AT sidoscope DOT co DOT in(Obviously replace the capital letters with symbols). There are only two conditions, it should be funny and it should be less than 55 words.:D

P.s. As you can see the big drama queen and has agreed to write a story for us, wwuuu huuu, she is coming soon guys, keep following....:D

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Things men always wanted to tell women….

Raji asked me like what are the things that men would like to tell woman, if given a chance? Point to note: if given a change. Sigh, There was a big list of things taken from survey of man-hood across the globe. But for the sake of sanity of me and you, I noted down only ten. Would you like to know them? Then waste no time, go, run. 

The legacy continues on Life As it comes....

Ok still confused? Read it here...:P

Cheers.

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Short Story: Ginger Chai

This is my first attempt for writing a love story, which I am really bad at. Mani Padma (from Ginger Chai) challenged me to write a love story a few days ago, it is not a real great read, but a little feeble attempt to take a taste in this genre. Please give your honest opinion…
Cheers,
Sid. *fingers crossed*

Breathe in. Breathe out. Damm, this is so easy when you are not tensed. Why is this clerk talking so much time.
‘Will you hurry up?’ I asked the clerk. My finger nails were tapping the counter in excitement.

My name is Shailaja, 30, single and employed, in short a perfect girl for the aunties, mammies to constantly remind me that my days are waning out, that I have to find someone before it is impossible for them to. It is not that I don’t want to get married, but I should get some proper match, isn’t it? All they show me is either short, tall, long nose, meaning some imperfection in some way or the other.
I am not at all hopeless romantic and I am definitely not going to kiss a frog and wait for him to become prince charming.

‘Did you get it?’ I ask the personals counter, anxiety increasing, breathe in, breathe out. I have a panic disorder, i get panic attack when I am tensed and excited.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
‘Madam, this is a personal record of a person, we need an approval for it, please wait,’ the clerk replies. Why are these clerks so dumb? I wonder.

Obviously you have joined this story in the middle, this is definitely not the end, I won’t let this be the end. The story began six months ago. This story began on the streets on Andheri with me running behind the bus,
‘Stop,’ I shouted at the bus as I chased it but it did not stop. The buses in Mumbai follow strict protocol more than the army.


That day my bus to Prabhadevi was missed and I could not wait for another hour for other bus so I climbed the bus to Mahim instead. My grand plan was to take a taxi till Prabhadevi from Mahim. I was a recent fine arts graduate and was currently in a intensive mode of job hunt. After many tries, I managed to get one job interview with a magazine in Prabhadevi, this was my first job interview after sitting six months at home.

The bus was full with only a seat next to a man. He was in his thirties, baby-faced and a little fat man, he smiled as I sat down next to him.
Sitting in the bus, I started getting nervous as panic built in me. The excitement chasing the bus must have triggered it somewhere on the inside.

‘Are you ok?’ the man asked.
‘I…’ I replied breathing hard, ‘I am fine…just exhausted.’ Men are such perverts.
‘Today is your interview, I think,’ he asked smiling.
‘Yes,’ I answered, my breathe becoming normal, gosh how to avoid it.
‘You are nervous uh?’ he asked quietly.
‘Yes I am, what is your problem?’ I asked rather rudely.
‘Just this,’ he smiled again and replied calmly, ‘You are clenching my hand with your fist since last fifteen minutes.’
‘Oh, I am so sorry,’ this is embarrassing.
‘Hi, I am Moncy,’ he said, ‘and you are…?’
After the formal introductions the ice was broken and I realize he was not all the guy I pictured him to be. He was jolly, sweet and chubby like a large teddy bear… wait I did not say that.
After twenty minutes Moncy wished me luck and we separated our ways and I reached my interview.
At every step of your life, universe is planning something, you never know who you bump into at the next corner.

‘Madam,’ the clerk called out holding the receiver in his hand, ‘What is your name?'Shailaja…’ I nearly screamed 

'Acha,’ and he continued on phone.

As I was walking past the market in Andheri after few days, I met Moncy sitting at the chai-house on the street.

‘Hey Hi,’ I said, ‘Surprised to see you here.’
‘I live here on west,’ he said, ‘You should try this Ginger chai, its very nice.’
‘No,’ I replied, ‘I don’t drink tea.’
‘Have some cream roll,’ he offered me. He offered one cream roll to me and started dipping the other one in his ginger chai.
‘So how did the interview go?’ he asked.
‘Bad, very bad,’ I replied, ‘I fainted in middle of the interview. They did not select me.’
‘You should try the breathing exercise you know to ease your panic,’ he suggested, ‘breathe in, breathe out.’
He did the exercise and gazed at me, I realized after few seconds he wanted me to do it. I did.
‘Practice it, so you are back to job hunt?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ I shrugged.
‘You know, there is a place vacant in our office for a professional blogger,’ he said, ‘why don’t you try there?’
Writer. Blogger. What the hell, I need a job.

‘What is the mans name?’ the clerk asked still holding the receiver.
‘Moncy, his flight was today.’

The next day I went to his office for an interview and luckily had no panic attacks. The company was a small advertising agency which dealt with all sorts of advertising, primarily on the internet. It was as if destiny, I was easily selected into the job and I started working with Moncy.
Moncy had a boyish charm and was famous in his office as ‘Golu-molu.’ The Chotu who brought tea for us at regular interval always used to give a special chai to him, ‘Yeh lo saab aapki aadrak ki chai.’(Take your ginger tea)
The office was cheerful and was fun working with, my panic attacks where less. Me and Moncy used to share a taxi while going home, in the morning he used to wait for me at the bus stop and we were having great fun together.
We discussed on many topics ranging from marriage, world peace, sex, movies those forty minutes in whole day were full of argument between us.
One day while early in the morning he offered me free treat of his ginger Chai.
‘What is so special in ginger chai?’ I asked him.
‘I like all kinds of chai, but I prefer a simple, clean Ginger Chai, with no spices. The ginger and warm milk in the chai both help reduce the effects of caffeine.  What this chai does is cleanse and strengthen your digestive system,’ he explained raising his cup.
‘Cheers.’
I had never laughed so much in my life before. I remember him sitting there on the bench of the chai-shop dipping cream roll in his tea, early in the morning. He used to wait for me there.

‘Haanji madam,’ the clerk said, ‘He is going today at around eleven, this is his flight information,’ he handed me the paper, ‘Are you his relative?’
‘No time for it,’ I dashed out of the office and raced on the street, ‘Taxi’ I screamed on top of my voice.
‘Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport,’ I told him hiring his cab, ‘If you make it fast, I will give me more twenty.’
Eleven, means he must already there at the airport.

He always used to tease me on my passion of Hindi films. Specially, DDLJ, like who doesn’t like DDLJ?
‘The movie is about life, the way both people fight odds to be with each other - and how they do win everyone with respect,’ I explained him, ‘I will always wait for my Raj,’ I told him.
‘But the movie is really bad,’ he said, ‘I mean who travels such a long distance just to convince parents?’
‘My friend- went to Canada - to just convince my uncle - to let him marry his girlfriend and they've been married three years now,’ I argued.
‘I cannot believe,’ he said with a smirk.
‘I don’t want you to..’ I stormed out of the room.
‘There are no happy endings in love stories in real life…’ he shouted behind me.
Our life was perfect like tom and jerry, best friends and even worst enemies.
Everything was normal and fine in our life when…

‘Madam, western express way toh jam hai,’ the taxi driver replied, explaining that there is traffic jam on western expressway.
‘Kahi aur se le lo,’ I replied telling him to take somewhere else.
‘Woh lamba jayega, paisa badega, meter se,’ he honestly explained that the rent will be more for the longer route.

He became by best friend in last six months, he was funny, charming and yet cutely fat. He used to send morning good morning emails, funny jokes all day long. We used to go for lunch together.
That night we had to work late on a US project which he was leading. He very sweetly dropped me off at home.  That night a not at all good surprise, my mother was visiting me. The moment she saw him, she started drilling me with questions, who is he? what does he do? is he good? does he earn? grrr mom.
She lectured me on how I should get married soon and if I do not like the people she showed I should find someone myself. The lecture went on for the next hour. Mom.

‘Madam airport agaya,’ the taxi driver had magically transported me sooner than I expected. I still had some more time to catch up with him without his flight leaving.
I ran out of cab, in anxiety I forgot to pay the cab driver who chased me, he caught with me immediately,
‘I …. I…’ I couldn’t talk now, the tension was building, I paid his money and ran inside. Hullo where do we get the entrance, damm these security checks.
Apparently my story was coming in an end completely Hindi film style, I was running towards the airport to stop someone, was he my lover? was he my friend? this thing we have to sort out…I have to sort it out,
‘Madam, you cannot cross the partition if you have no boarding pass,’ the guard replied politely stopping me with a gun on his back.
‘I…’ my breathing was becoming heavier, just then I saw him walking towards the boarding point, my breath was heavy, I was panting and a sudden panic seized me, I had to call him… ‘Mo…Mon…’ I panted, breathing hard and I do not know if I managed to shout his name or no, a final blackout and I was knocked out. Darkness fell before my eyes.

Breathe in. Breathe out. My foot. My mom had pestered me a lot on the topic on marriage, in the morning I was chatting with few friends in the cafeteria about it,
‘But why do you have to worry ya?’ asked Sudhir, ‘You already have one.’
‘One?’ I asked, ‘Who?’
‘Arey Golu Molu,’ he laughed, ‘Its not official yet, but everybody knows.’
‘Madowat,’ I replied, ‘I never saw him as a boyfriend. He is not exactly a prince charming is he? he is so fat and clumsy…totally not my type’ now in the whole world, I say millions of things per day, but, Moncy had to stand behind me just when I said the line, I jerked my neck with a guilty feeling in my mind. He said nothing and went to order his Ginger Chai.
I went after him, but he was quiet the whole day. In fact he did spoke very less for next three days and one day he did not come to office. I never got a chance to apologize to him or even talk to him.
He kept avoiding me.
When I inquired I realized, he was being sent to US for project for a year. I felt real bad, I did not know his house, so I was inquiring with the personal departments of our office. I learned that he was already moving to US today, so I had to run all across streets of Mumbai to talk to him at the airport… just at the last moment…I had a panic attack which is the reason I am here… oh wait, I am here? Has he left?

I suddenly open my eyes, ‘Where am I?’ hoping it did not sound too filmy.
‘Take some rest madam,’ the doctor said, ‘You had a panic attack. You are weak.’

Shit, so close, so close. He was there, I saw him… if only I could…

‘So, what exactly were you trying to do?’ Moncy’s voice surprised me, I jerked my head and saw him sitting on the stool dipping a cream roll in ginger chai, ‘Trying some Hindi film ending stunt?’
‘You? You missed the flight?’ I ask.
‘Apparently I did yes, I was just curious why where you chasing me?’ he asked me, ‘They serve good ginger chai here also…’
Exactly, why did I chase him around half the city? Why did I race here? Was this it? Was this kuch kuch hota hai? Damm, it sounded so easy in the film, what is it?
‘Well…,’ I tried to justify, but nothing came to my mind, damm, is this love? ‘I dunno.’
‘You chased around half the city for a fat and clumsy man, who is not even your type of prince charming?’ he asked laughing.
‘I think…’ well, how hard can it be?
‘Don’t answer…’ he smiled and held my hand, ‘I think we have to rethink over our relationship. You need rest and you need time.’
‘I…I…’ damm, where is my grammar?
‘Would you like to come with me?’ he asked, ‘You know sometimes… for ginger chai?’

P.s. The excellent image downloaded from the internet. Special thanks to Vidhu for explaining me DDLJ, I never understood it yet. Also thank you Neha for correcting the mistakes about Mumbai city.
P.P.s DDLJ is Dilwale Dulaniya Le Jayenge, a hindi romantic comedy half Indian girls are crazy about.

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Ask Ravan

Sidoscope Presents Ask Ravan, all the question you wanted to ask now answered. Well, Almost all answered. Because you asked it comments are also enabled to the Post. Got a question to ask? Post a comment below and check back on next Wednesday when Ravan answers.
Do not miss him.

Q. Who the hell do you think you are?

Earlier I thought I was God, then I got a girlfriend and now, I really have no clue who I am.

Q. Why do you write?

Because no one told me to shut up. Don't try now, I won't approve those comments. :P

Q. What should I expect here?

No porn. If you are a wanker desperately looking for porn, go somewhere else. This site is meant for fun.

Q. You female bash.

I consider it revenge.

Q. What the hell is Sidoscope.

Sid is my name, Scope is my view. Sidoscope is my kaleidoscopeto the world.

Q. There are spelling mistakes in the article.

Blame Microsoft for not making spell check correctly. I always got lowest marks in spelling test.

Q. I have a suggestion to make.

Remember, I write sarcastic articles on any damm thing. Keep that in mind and email me.

Q. You change your template to many times. Are you jobless?
No, I have MPD, multiple personalty disorder, my multiple personalities keep changing the template, I am not to blame.

Q. Why did chicken cross the road?

Ask the chicken not me. I was not chasing her. I also have no idea who cooked her and ate. 

Q. I won't sing Vande Mataram, whatever you say.

Don't sing, I did not tell you to sing. Shut up.

Q. The article you wrote violates my Dogma, Dharma, God, principles.

Get lost from here and tell you God to take my appointment later. I did not invite you here.

Q. After reading your article I think...

Stop thinking right then and there. You are thinking to much, go drink soda.

Q.But I think...

Seriously stop thinking or I will tickle you.

Q. You are an idiot.

I know that. Everybody knows that. Same to you.

Q. I am bored, I am sad, my life is in a mess

Everybody's life is in a mess, this is Kalyug, what else do you expect? Stop crying.

Q. I am richer than you...ha ha.

Give me money, I will email you one joke a day.

Q. Why don't you start double meaning, adult lines in title of the articles and then write nothing of it in the article?

Because I don't want to cheat perverts by exciting them and then turning-them off. I am a good person and cheat no one, not even perverts.

Q. I cannot read you site, as it is blocked in office.

Visit http://sidoscope.co.in it works with most office firewalls, I am smarter than them.

Q. I Still cannot access your site in office.

Tell your IT team about the hilarious site. They will quickly unblock it.

Q. How can I contact you?

If you are a girl or have a will to make and interested in tossing some money to me, meet me in person. Others can email me at ossum AT sidoscope DOT co DOT in

Q. I love you. I love you verrrry much.

Tell me, do you inherit a large sum of money?

Q. I want to comment on this page, its too good.
Thank you, toss your comment @omgItsRavan on twitter. The comments are also enabled down there.

Q. I don't have twitter account.
Make one. Ok you hate twitter. email me your comments at  ossum AT sidoscope DOT co DOT in

Got a question to ask? Tweet your question to @omgItsRavan with hashtag #AskRavan

Statutory Warning: Ask questions at your own risk, the blog, the owner won't be responsible for any damage done due to reading the answers.

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When a man tried to understand a woman!!!

This story was written long back, but most of you missed it back then, I am sure every boy in the world would like to read this and every girl on this planet would want to kill me for it. Enjoy it and tell your views on it. :p 

Cheers,

SiD

Long time ago, there was a man who wanted to figure out what Women want and started the long tapasya (i.e., Sitting idle for a long time until Gods come down to wake you up) he did not miss his wife while sitting there, but his wife did miss making the potato vegetable because he had promised to bring her that, but eventually Ekta Kapoors torturing humans torch was passed around to many newbie and big producer directors that she forgot about him (She had to keep in touch with the family history of 200 years for around 50 families spread across 70 channels in 5 different languages, big work you see)

So he sat there not bothered by the tiger growling around (Although he did wet his pants, but you see no one was looking), not bothering about the weather around (he had complete faith in the weather bureau, if they say it is a sunny day, he will sit there in the rain believing it a sunny day), not bothering about the time (actually his watch had stopped working long back, but his wife was busy and no one reminded him)


God was looking, oh yes God was looking, but you see since the Ravan fiasco (Ravan was gifted immortality by God) he avoided coming down to wake up any human. There was one more reason in his cloak that he avoided answering the dreaded question, if asked by him. So God decided to test him.
God send down a very beautiful girl Menaka (prettier than Aishwarya and sexier than Mallika Sherawat, just imagine!!!) to disturb the mans tapasya. She came down, tried to seduce him by many means (some of which cannot be written here or i’ll have to inform blogger this is a adult blog) but the man did not move.

‘Oh well,’ thought God, ‘Let me try this.’

God send down a very complicated creature, she was a he. He\She walked around him and tried to frighten him by doing certain things, although the man was very afraid when he\she touched his back and did something behind him, he did not deter in his tapasya, he wanted to know the story, you know.
The final test came, when God chose the weapon of mass destruction. He disconnected the cable TV (OMG moment, yeah) and then send a notice to his wife from the cable company that the bill is not paid. On top of that, God slipped the man’s address to his wife (yeah, cruel God) via a rumor(now you know where the rumors originate).

The wife armed with bellan (a common domestic weapon useful in flattening chapattis and creating a lump on your husbands forehead), two pairs of sandals (she wanted to carry more, but she couldn’t find others) and loads of sound power walked towards the mountain where the husband lay.

The husband sensed the wife coming from far and prayed to God silently, ‘Ok, I do not want to answer, please stop her.’

Some other God in passing saw the plea and gave him a disguise of white beard, hairy chest and long hair. The wife never recognized her husband and walked back with the same weapons to hunt the rumor monger or the cable company guy (or whoever came before them).

So finally the main God had no choice and came down earth and said, ‘I am happy with your dedication. I have come to fulfill your wish.’

The man smiled and said, ‘I have survived all those years, escaped death thousands of times, escaped my wife one time only to know one single answer… I wish to understand woman…’

God thought for a while, then decided to answer honestly, but he choose to whisper in the mans ears. (Sting operation can be anywhere right???)

For a moment everything froze (its old habit of God to stop time and answer question) and God told him the answer.

After listening to God, the man stared at the almighty for a while with blank eyes and then… then…
He started laughing uncontrollably, he laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

God rubbed his eyes and sighed, ‘There goes one more…sigh’ and called the asylum.
The man is still there. No one knows if he got the answer or listened to another santa banta joke, but he still laughs day and night.

Moral of the story: Stop asking stupid questions and do your work. (Guess what? This moral is written by my gf who is giving me ‘the stare’ as I am writing this special line, I should run away immediately)

P.s. To know more about ‘The stare’ keep following.

P.p.s Boys, if you are confused join the club, if you are not, join the asylum. Girls, my gf has taken the revenge for all womankind by reading this post. All is written in good faith.

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