Computers are like Gods; lots of rules and no mercy and their entire mercy is spent on people who do not understand computers and still find it hip and cool to posses one.
'It seems there is some sort of virus in the computer,' he said one day agitated.
'Did you install a anti-virus software?' I asked, knowing the answer was known.
'Erm no, do you have any pirated one?' he asked.
'Go to hell, I don't do illegal stuff...' I replied politely.
'You are so useless, whats the use of sitting on the internet for all the time, if you don't have softwares. See the so-and-so friend, he gives all software for free...'
I was going to explain him the piracy and stuff, but then gave up and checked his computer.
'Dude, this is windows 98....' I shreaked but then again I gave up, packed my stuffed and walked out of the city with my head hung low. After 7.22 kms of travelling, I got down from my bike and screamed loud on the street. Felt a lot better. Then I went back and looked at him.
'Windows 98 is better re, its stable...' he concluded.
Well... again I drove 7.22 kms.
It is much easier to explain sex to a virgin, that to explain computer to a layman. More than that its boring.
'Wow thats a heavy laptop,' I exclaimed looking at the brand new computer.
'Yeah, you know I have filled it with lot of data...' he replied proudly.
I stared at him for a complete one minute and then gave up. What was the point anyway?
There are three things certain in life, death, a phone call from the credit card company to sell you one and lost data. The chances you will miss that data 5.2 months after the lost are confirmed. When I was working part-time in a cyber cafe during my engineering days, I met with many adventures on daily basis.
One fine day a old man, older than Amar Singh, apparently stepped into the cafe wanting to open a email id. Now, back in those days Gmail was for cool people only, opened by invitation only (I was proud to own one) so I helped him open a yahoo email id (back in those days it was cool to have a yahoo id)
Four days later than man came to the cafe wearing a old rusted suit, 'Thank you very much sir,' he said, 'For opening my email id, you know I never believed those who said you can make money on the internet, but my email id was randomly selected for the Microsoft lottery. The people who make windows sir, they are making me a millionaire.' he beamed.
A small particle hit my stomach at half the speed of light. It took me 2 hours to explain him what is spam and how bad it is, poor soul and to think he wore his wedding suit that day.
There are those who like websites so much, they come to me with requirements,
'Hey dude you design websites no? Can you do mine?' (there is no question of money in between for they don't assume Ill charge anything for them)
'Erm... what do you want?' (I asked unsure if I should ask for money)
'You know simple website not that jazzy, just a few flash things here and there and this amazing video I shot on my mobile camera and you know some essays about me and my work, thats all...'
I stare at him in disbelief.
'OK, and we can do is, make the text in comic sans ms and you know...'
'Woah woah woah... what?' I stay shocked.
'You know comic sans...'
I don't hear the rest, kick my bike and drive 7.2 kms and scream.
For some people, hardware is that part of the computer which can be kicked hard. In my new job, when I was at client side collecting requirement, the firm was a reputed manufacturing unit and I was to design a system to facilitate their process.
Here is what one man said, 'And you see sir, the row should be highlighted in vibgyor colors so that I can understand and please use red, yellow and green combination so it resembles a traffic light...'
I looked at him in disbelief, 'What?'
'Are its computer you can do anything can't you?' he smiled eating Samosa and telling others how computer can do anything.
I looked at the glass door behind me and I picture Daya from CID breaking this door to rescue me. He didn't.
Staying in the field of computers for more than six years now, I feel I have lost my mind somewhere in transit, but I know that somewhere in the universe there is a backup drive of my mind preserved until eternity.
My friend Kartik, also a victim of computers, had the nerve to analyze computers, who also inspired me to write this article. Read about his adventures.
Remember, if it draws blood, its hardware, rest all is immaterial in life.
Image courtesy: www.shootingtroublecomputers.com