Sunday, September 25, 2011

Suicidal Tendencies

Suicide is overrated. Of course the death of a person is a very tragic day in a persons life. Its like one of those days you cannot miss, like the day you are born, or the day you get your puberty. Obviously death is a tragic thing and many sentiments are attached to it. However the reasons that appear for the suicides are clearly suicidal and due to amplifying the horror of death by million times, suicide appear to be the worst possible case for any individual to be in.

So, this post is in response to the increasing suicidal tendencies in the country. People are finding it hard to cope up with the hardship and hoping that killing will solve the problem.

In one news a student decided to commit suicide, because she could not bear because of derogatory comments made by her boyfriend on facebook. Breakups can be hard, agreed but my most important question is, why was the girl in IIM if she was this.... for want of a better word out of respect for the dead....weak?
In India committing suicide is a crime, so in a way if you die, you actually are in a better place. Because you know alternative is paying a hefty amount for the tuition fees of the local cop son and the entire top level heirachy. Obviously you come in a awkward position, if you did commit suicide for financial reasons.

One good thing about Indian male prisons is, the inmates have not yet explored the possibility of anal sex and so, as far as your moral dignity is concerned it will remain safe, however after than all goes downhill. So if you are committing suicide, it is always best that you have sure shot confidence that you are gonna die, or please don't try. Then again, if people had the sure shot confidence of somethings going to happen, people would not try to commit suicide anyways.

Most of the people committing suicide are college students living in hostel. Well, I do agree with their sentiment, higher education is killing, what did they expect? Higher education during the time when hormones are running faster than the speed of light (oh wait, its neutrons isn't it?) is going to be easy? No way it is not. We still do not officially get playboy to focus on studies and the erotic magazines that are published in India, well, they are more disgusting than erotic. There are two organs in the human body that constantly need the blood flow, please utilize the resources carefully and make sure in time-to-time, brain gets blood flow too. I did write a big post for them,rather for their parents.

Now we move on to farmers. Yes, they also commit suicide, why? They have lost their entire farm to some landlord or they have taken a heavy credit and now due to weather conditions their farms does not produce anything. I would write a big post for them to understand, but many of them won't even read a magazine leave alone a blog.
So to these people, do you know there are agricultural colleges setup across the nation that do constant research on risk contingency plans to save your crops? No, they will better die than approach some of these scholars. They will wait in crowd outside the apartment of Salman Khan when they come to mumbai but they won't at one time step into the agricultural college. What do they want however? The government should give them free electricity, free taxes, free export duty, everything free. But they won't do anything.
During the recent visit to a village, there was a school with complete poster of 'Sarv Shikshan abhiyan' (Adult literacy program) but how many of them actually went there to learn? Some of them decided to go because of free tea and biscuits. How many of them decided to show the document signed by them to a learned teacher in village? The answer is directly proportional to the number of farmers committing suicide

Thats the problem with Indians, we all expect people to bend down for us. We won't climb up for others. With due respect to others who are dead and a lot of slaps for those planning too.

On other notes, there are some people, I honestly believe, should commit suicide. I mean there is no point in them living in the world, and why should they?

Some of these are people who frequently use skin whitening creams to improve the skin tone of their skin. I mean for-God-sake, what is the point in using a face-cream, why not directly use a wall paint of the shade you want. It will apply better.

If it was not funny with girls trying to make themselves whiter than the queen of England (an expression used in pre-independence India), now people are proudly making men whiting face cream. Did anyone forget the old saying of tall, DARK and handsome? It was not tall, WHITE and handsome, was it? Holy cow, no wait, if some product manager is reading this blog they will start making skin darkening cream.

Some other people I sincerely wish should commit suicide are the ones that butter up (chamchagiri) to earn their livelihood and the along with them, the one who take money to do their job. I mean seriously, if you got to spine to complete the thing you are assigned to, there is no point in you living here is there? I know, I know, its a free world and even earthworms live, but, trust me when I say this, earthworms have better self respect that these people do. At-least earthworms help the farmers.

But as they say, we live in kalyug and those who deserve to die is not who I am to decide, whatever I may argue to apply for a shotgun. Lets just hope one stranded soul decides to read this blog before killing himself and comes to his senses.

I don't know when will people come to senses to know that nothing is coming for free for anyone. If you need anything, fight for it, till the last breath. Do not give up the last breath if you cannot fight.

Stay alive,

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

To the Parents of the Blowjob Generation

Oh what blasphemy have I committed writing the words 'parents' and the 'blowjob' in the same sentence. Maybe this thing was not at all said in the entire indian subcontinent for the past millions of years (the amount of the number of years is directly proportional to the darkness of the saffron color you choose to wear), that is the sentence often heard when this topic edges closer.

The next immediate response is, blowjob generation is not what our culture is and I am going to rotate around a God for a thousand times so that I will wash of the sins of the sons or daughter who committed this crime. Or this ones more funny, this all things are downwind from the America, we and our children have nothing to do with it.

Well, to anyone and whoever had any or all the above reactions on reading the topic, wake up and smell the coffee.

Yes, 80% of the students in Indian metros are getting blow jobs and obviously they are liking it but more than that, they are blaming themselves for liking it. This does not mean we should be prudish to lock them up in chains in the backside of your house. After we are the land of kamasutra, we also are the land of Kalia (Amitabh Bacchan) so eventually they will break free.

So there are obviously two things you can do at this stage, first stop pretending that the kids you had came as a Gods gift like those mythological tele-serials with bad music and even worst special effects. And two, listen to the kids, they are already confused and going into unknown territory and they need the guidance. Trust me, you do not want them to learn from penthouse pets or the playboys, or you will have one frustrated, delusional and confused kid in your house. You don't want that do you?

The idea is to listen to them and to guide them. Did you know sex-ed is not about the many positions of sex? Oh no, trust me as of today a kid of 16 years who uses the internet knows more sex-positions that the writers and publishers of Kamasutra combined. Thats just optimist of me. Sex-ed is primarily of making them understand the complexities revolving around sex.

First, you have to make them understand that sex is a normal part of the human adult experience and there is no shame in it. If you fail in doing that, you are harboring a frustrated sexual predator who if remained unmarried till the age of 36 has likelihood of turning into a rapist or if he is married will resort to domestic violence.

Fathers of the boys should tell them that while masturbating is a good thing that relaxes pressure, getting addicted to it is not good in the longer run, you do not want his thingy turn high in the middle of the conference room in office.

Just stop pretending how awesome or how good your community is and your community relationships are. You are clutching at thin air here if you are marrying of your confused teenagers in your community hoping that on first night they will finally apply knowledge they gained from watching those porn films. Trust me, its not pretty and its not exactly applied physics, where you learn few laws and turn scientist. Its much more of a emotional experience as it is physical, and if I have to tell you that, you clearly are born in the wrong century.

Now hopes that your kids will remain virgin till their marriage is the thing of the past. Obviously if you are part of the community called Khap, what more can I say? You are fine in naming your community khap, thats demeaning in itself.

Instead of trying to beat Nature and God by killing your kids faster than you can produce them, protect them from physical diseases. Then protect them from mental shallowness in case they get dumped or are married off somewhere else.

Finally, if you live in a joint family, the chances of your kids getting molested on a daily basis is normal, (Don't say, oh-no my family is not like that) again I repeat, listen to your Kids, don't just assume anything. These little toddlers are already feeling ashamed of the things their uncle and aunty are doing with them (or worst sometimes even their own father and grandfather) so please, tell them its normal to feel that way. Clear their head and then kick the person who molested them in their nuts.

Any idiot who still things that marriage and sex are related has to wake up. Instead of opening up a complete drama show, picking up bits and bad acting from the great Indian Tamasha shows that air every-night, please understand that at every new generation pops out, they get 5 times smarter that the previous generations. You cannot protect them, you cannot shut down the entire world for them. The best way going forward is to tell them the way things are and trust them when the time comes right, they will make the right choice.

If you don't do this, well, not only your future generations is in trouble of not getting born, the worst case is, they might born with mental defects and looking at the people in India at this stage, I say, the later is more likely to happen.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Strange Case of Pseudo Engineer

Engineering is a complex business. Engineering is the discipline, art, skill and profession of acquiring and applying scientific, mathematical, economic, social, and practical knowledge, in order to design and build structures, machines, devices, systems, materials and processes that safely realize improvements to the lives of people. Bottom line, Engineering is a complex business. But even more complex are the ways of engineers.

Sadly, we don't leave in the ideal world and people who took up engineering to improve the lives of other people barely manage to improve the lives of their own. Many people proudly state the fact that India is the one of the largest producer of Engineers, however it is a misinformed statement, the real one is India is one the largest printer of Engineering degrees.

It also implies that India is the largest reducer of trees who are killed just so that they can give out to some idiots who can either frame it on their wall or can iron it regularly and maintain it in the file to be carried during job interview, marriage selection and to your distant cousins grandmas funeral.

Such people I call them the pseudo engineer. They turn to engineering in a hope that by getting this degree they will feel smart and people will start listening to them. Sadly, after four years of struggling to understand the things they will never understand in a lifetime, they just manage to pass.

There are two types of pseudo Engineers, one who have nothing and still do not get where they reach, one who have everything and still do not get where they reach.

The first category after engineering ends in some outsourcing industry, call center, ITIS or even the normal IT. Every third engineer you bump in a IT industry nowadays is either mechanical, electrical or electronics. Obviously we need testers and support engineers in IT. Even in the normal computer science and IT branch no one will talk about algorithms, they will talk about delivery, they will talk about deadlines but not a single one will talk about algorightms. Hello, you are not labor class, you are engineer.

The second category are, and ill be a bit blunt here, completely lost like a puppy in a panty store. They first do engineering scoring very good grades, then they go to finish MBA in either finance or HR (I never was fan of MBA so do not know what other branches of MBA are available in the market)  finally when the dust settles these Engineers are seen as the team leader in selling insurance, working HR or even sometimes marketing things (I never believed the person on my doorstep was an Engineer and an MBA)

Moving on, there is a group of Pseudo Engineers and their misinformed and brain dead parents, who believe that computer engineering is very easy branch of engineering. I dare them to write a window clipping algorithm in 3 hours and prevent your body from smelling, go on then do it. Or I even dare them to learn the different network protocols for the 'google' site they so effortlessly visit.

Pseudo Engineers are everywhere, someone are getting that degree to get a fat dowry for the marriage, someone are getting their degree to get government contract to prepare those dirty roads. Some are doing it because they believe the engineering degree is going to fetch them money. Imagine their shock when they learn that engineering degree is worthless and what is more important is what they know other than text books. Sadly, nothing.

Engineering was meant to be innovators, incubators, yet one of the largest producers of Engineers in the world managed to make only one car for 1 lakh, managed to make no progress in any other field of engineering. The roads are still messy, the builds still fall. If we had real engineers they would feel proud of the work they did, they would feel proud of the buildings they build, of the software they build. Instead we got a bunch of pseudo engineers, who have nothing else to show that they got a degree and a job that pays their monthly rent.

No wonder we live in Kalyuga.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

When life gives you lemons, make milkshake.

The problem with life is, Karma is watching and has a infra red sensor, a motion detector and a more sophisticated technology to spook you out. Usually Karma and Murphy have each other on speed dial and conspire together to bring you down.

It always pays to be in a secular country where all the religions are respected. Specially when Ganesh Chaturti and Id come back to back as if in a race to reach human race. We on the other hand enjoy the two days holiday (much to the dread of entire management) but they end on Thursday and before you want to get yourself soaked in a knee deep in holiday mood there is one final dreaded Friday sandwiched in between the holidays and the weekend.

The Friday smirks, come back to me, let me spoil your mood. Let me give you a lot of work load to the extend that you will be brought back to reality and spoil one holiday mood and prevent you from entering into another. Oh wait, and if I am not enough, the other brother Monday is waiting for you on the other side of the weekend.

And here I thought, Friday was our friend.

Anyhow, so here I was feeling really stupid working on a Friday because anyone who was smart had applied for a leave on Friday and was enjoying in some paradise in some place far far away a super weekend of 5 days, apparently that was everyone but me. Now, in my defense, I didn't realize Wednesday and Thursday was a holiday and by the time my slow brain caught up, most people had left for home town and it was impolite to apply for holiday at the last moment.

So in between two big weekends, I finished my work early on a Friday and decided to head home early. My devious plan was to head for the favorite watering hole and have a small pint (yeah right!!) of water (wink wink) then maybe haunting a few local Ganesh Mandals and eat free prasad (which if eaten in more than 15 places is sufficient for dinner) and finally, head home in the cosines of the bed, the beep of my android and The secret of Nagas by Asmish. If only life would happen as planned, I should have been the number one evil scientist by now.

Yes, the plan was not just ruined it was shaken, stirred, beaten and mixed like some frizzy cocktail and gulped down by karma in one bottoms up. You know its your Karma catching up when your devious plan of going home early are foiled by a little pin piercing your bike tire at the strategic location on the way

Today, I was leaving home early before the sun had set so I finally saw the traffic on the street and decided to take a shorter route (read: A route which I used my telepathic eyes to see and I guessed it would open on the other side of the street) to my destination. Driving on this new route, I saw a cow, a dirt biking track (naturally formed and artificially nurtured by the PWD department) and finally a narrow lane entering into a farm....oh wait, did I say farm? It took exactly 79 secs to realize I had lost my way and this was nowhere leading to the 'so-called' destination. It was a dead end and a dirty one.

I decided to trace back to the source and lo and behold, in the excitement of having something new in its life, the Tyre of my bike hissed a sigh of relief and released all the pressure build up inside in. A flat tire in the middle of nowhere.

To my delight (or horror) a local idiot (possibly) walked towards me,
'Flat Tyre?' he asked.
'Duh uh...,' I had the urge to answer, No I like walking in the mud carrying my bike in my arms.
'Its a pity, these roads are not clean at all, we try hard to clean it but you know... sigh,' he replied walking parallel to me.
Pissed as I was, he kept talking. The only thing giving me strength was the poem of Agneepath I kept reciting in my mind as he walked with me.
'You don't look around this place, are you new here?'
Well clearly this problem was not going to go away, so I politely said no, then I shamelessly mentioned that I took a wrong turn and landed here.
'Oh so you took a wrong turn,' he repeated after me, reminding of my stupidity.
I gave him a nasty look and kept pushing.
'Its sad, how you intelligent people keep doing such mistakes, we illiterates are more wise.'
No comments there wondering, when will he leave me alone. After about two minutes of awkward silence.
'Why are you going that way? You should take the left turn behind to reach the highway.'

I turned back, the left turn was a little distant behind me. I had crossed it 5 mins ago, curiosity pipped in my mind as to why he didn't tell me 5 mins before. He shameless smiled and walked away, making me feel stupid in the middle of the muddy road.

As I turned to leave the dreaded place and connect to the highway, the man walked by throwing some nails as casually as he threw groundnuts there.

I kept mumbling the poem of Agneepath and pushed my bike. The plan had foiled and I reached home at the normal time, the sun had set and I never got to do the things I was going to do. Karma 1. Me 0.

Now time for a rematch.

Have you read my book yet?

Have you read my book yet?
An epic adventure across space and time