In this world of globalization when your friend who used to play with you in boxer starts with the sentence, "In our america...." you do feel the urge of slapping him hard to remind him, he has returned not to gloat but to find a job.
My tryst with English began in the first month after marriage on the lazy Sunday morning. Since marriage it has became increasingly difficult to chose between James Bond and Wife. I mean you have to listen to the later even thought James Bond is sizzling with Kristina Wayborn in Octopussy.
"Will you turn that off..." the wife screamed.
"Its James Bond, how can I turn it off?" I replied, honestly, seriously who can stop watching From Russia with Love on a Sunday morning.
"Since morning you are just lazing around on this bean bag watching these english movies," she complained.
"This is not an ordinary film... this is From Russia with Love..." I protested, "This is The James Bond movie. It is part of the ritual of being a guy..."
"Ritual of being a guy?" her attention was diverted for a bit.
"1. You read a magazine sitting in the toilet. 2. Dream about threesome after marriage and 3. Watch Sean Connery James Bond movies..." I explained.
"This english films have corrupted you completely you American Wannabe..." she shouted, "Day and night you just watch these english shows and movies...if you can't help me with the household work at-least get up from that chair so I can clean it out."
With the grace of James Bond I got out of the chair ducking the missile made of cane jhadu and she continued cleaning the house. Woman Eh, don't value the value of James Bond movie marathon on a Sunday morning.
As the ancient Sunday ritual goes, I was lazing around the local mall (which are in too much number around Bangalore, more than apartments) a conversation caught my eye (no its not a typo the 'conversation' was 'eye catchy')
"So I will be getting a year warranty on these shades..." she spoke in as much fake american ascent as she could.
"Yes Madam," the salesman said, "This warranty a year you get..." in as much fake english as he could, "Fill this warranty card for mine please..."
She took a glance at the warranty card and then looked up, "What date format do you use? American or Indian..."
We were in the heart of south-india where no where in a million kilometers anyone used American date format (what is that format exactly?) and this guy did not even know if there is any date format. "Hindi...." he said hurriedly, "We use Hindi date format."
"Can I have your ice cream?" I asked in English encouraging her to understand and speak.
"No..." she answered smartly.
"Can I taste it atleast?" I insisted.
"No..." she answered.
"Do you know anything else other than no?" I asked teasing her.
"No no no no no...." she replied correctly but accidentally.