The Enemies in My Life
"Normal people don't have enemies," proclaimed my Wife as I sat down to my monthly revisit of the enemies list, "But then again," she concluded, "You are not normal, are you?" she went back to her daily routine of sleeping, one of the most normal things that I ignored.
As I sat there revisiting the list, I realized an important thing, the list comprised of people that could be classified into generic categories and groups. Every person has a set of enemies in their life, if you believe in daily soap, the lists starts from your relatives. However, I have some arch enemies that pop out from the corner where they hide and irritate me beyond imagination like those who poke me on Facebook every night, now there is no harm done in poking anyone but then it sends a mixed message or those who stop me in the middle of the road to tell about their babies, I mean, I get it, you made a live human being, awesome, clap, clap, clap but then do I have to know about his or her every first in chronological order?
People who tag you in post on facebook and then remove the topic when you meet them in person
One of the biggest threat to your smartphone is Facebook app that buzzes to life in excitement even if there is slightest moment in the network. A friend got promoted in job, yay it buzzes in excitement, somebody made baby, yay it screams in excitement, somebody ate a chicken club sandwich for lunch (for which they very generously posted a Facebook post) it buzzes to life, so on and on. In this screaming match, if someone does tag you, you know about it. What should be my comment on a clever picture shared 6666666th time on my timeline? It was clever first time you know, not the 6666666th time and by tagging me to it, you are simply showing how slow you are in getting the update. No seriously, if there is one clever statement doing rounds on the internet, you are bound to come by it hundreds of time. This person will tag you to it and then next time you have a mandatory courtesy call, they will ask you, "Saw the picture I tagged you in?" "No I exclusively do not see pictures I am tagged in," should be my reply but I politely make an excuse of not seeing facebook.
People who put babies on the phone
"Say hello to uncle, babla," screams the mother from behind and the baby simply replies, "Gugugagaga" and then the mother comes back, "See, he has started speaking." What is the point of it, tell me? Me understanding the baby language is same as me understand the big love saga told by auto driver in Kannada, in both cases I have no clue what is on but only for courtesy I smile. Now if these babies grow old and turn into children the same thing is repeated, "Say hello to uncle, Babla," screams the mother from behind, this time tone is a bit stern. The child first is very silent, maybe confused on whether mom is going to scold him or her for this and then worried if the hello is said correctly. I know, saying hello is pressuring and after a while says, "H...hee..llo," now polite as you are, you reply back and then the mother screams again in background, "Ask uncle how is he." I mean c'mon I know you are there in the background with the teleprompter. Why put the child and me in such an awkward situation? Why can't you just let us live as we are?
People who reinforce their religious views while eating
I follow a religion that exclusively gives you bonus points in heaven for avoiding a stupid question, sadly I am last on its scoreboard. And that is mostly because people who share your table during lunch and make it their duty to remind you that there is some religious festival going on that prohibits you to eat non-veg. Or there-is-some-do-not-eat-onion festival going on that should prevent me from relishing a good lunch.
I had this friend of mine who used to walk towards me for coffee and then turn around put his hand on my shoulder, peep on the computer monitor for few seconds. He would not be done there but then he would comment on the things I was doing on the computer. It was not porn, obviously, but whatever I did, he had a comment on it. I was writing a code, there it was his comment, "You should try using this class, its very nice.", I was reading a newspaper, there it was his comment, "I prefer this newspaper, they have better stories," I was trying to buy underwear from an online shop and there it was, no lets not get there.
It does not end there, there are people who will look at your phone screen while you are typing, I mean why? Who does that?
People who start their conversation with an agenda
"You should vote for him," he started the conversation, "he has proven himself to be the best administrator in the country with the most amazing development model. I mean do you want this scion to win again?"
Now, to be very honest, influencing someone's vote is a crime in legal but then again, who wants to discuss politics or any other topic during evening tea? Evening tea is the peaceful time between a man and his thoughts. Then again, I am bad at arguing, so in such time I simply sip my tea. I don't know what more he said but it continued for another hour or so.
People who talk as if you know everything they know
"You know the other day I bumped into Pandya," he was speaking. Now considering the fact that the person taking about Pandya was the one I casually used to bump into on the way to college, three-four years ago, I had no clue what his name was. With this knowledge, it takes no more time to understand that I had no clue who Pandya was, "You know he has moved to Bangalore."
"Who has?" I asked.
"Pandya re," he replied.
"Remind me, who is Pandya?"
"Arey Pandya," he said, "Friend of Dhanya re."
Why, would people do that? Talking about someone should not be a sudoku puzzle you know, why can't you simply tell me the complete name instead of talking in cryptic terms?
There are others people who talk astrology while crossing the street, people who talk job during social events, people who try to force their morals on you and people who stare at your half pant (not legs mind you, half pant) as if it is the crime of the century you wore in public among others but they are not in the majority.
The list requires revisiting once in a while as people pop in and sometimes earn good behaviour benefit and pop out of the list. These people are everywhere and somewhere the universe is giggling by making more and more of these people to shock you.
The only problem worth solving is getting out of their clutches using the perfect excuse, now there is a separate list for that too.